When a lapdancer doesn't fit the bill

I was sat at a REALLY great table the other day.  It was the table of my dreams.  We all got paid bundles of cash for several hours of VIP.  There were several girls to each man - one had FIVE LAPDANCERS!!! (greedy sod)

But when I went home I felt miffed.  Really miffed.  Why?  I had made good money and had a great night, but..... I was originally sitting with the boss guy, and he told me to go sit  with his friend as he walked in.  In the cab on the way home, I was in agonies as to what had been wrong about me to be palmed off so.  Was it my hair?
My outfit?
Too fat,too slim, too small, too tall?
Was it because I wasn't cool, or pretty, or sexy enough?
My tits were too big?

I compared myself to the girls he kept sitting with him.  Several were part of that elusive cool crowd I've spoken about in previous posts.  It was his first time at the club, but is it that obvious that I am an outsider?  In my drunken state I went over my perceived failings as a lapdancer.  That I was a crap hustler.

Thankfully, the next morning I had slept and sobered up.  Drinking my first cup of tea of the day, I went over last night.  I figured it out.

It wasn't me. It wasn't my hair.  It was my outfit.  It just didn't fit the bill.  I realised with glaring accuracy that all the girls he kept were wearing black stockings and underwear, like they had just stepped from an Agent Provacteur boudoir.  I, on the other hand, was wearing a garish novelty stripper costume.  Men like consistency in their harem - he wanted to look at varying shades of the same classy girls.

I'm glad I figured out that personal crisis.  There is no point in going into work as a lapdancer if you don't feel good enough about yourself.

Stripclub stereotypes #5 : The Lookalike

The lookalike affect sweeps through your average stripper demographic in waves.  Ever since Cheryl Cole became the nation’s sweetheart, all the dancers have gone brunette, with long luscious extensions falling in waves down their backs.  Shockingly, they now outnumber the blondes so much that some nights I am the only blonde in the club!
This trend is set to continue apace now that Kate Middleton, with her swingy brunette blowdry, is on the front cover of every tabloid looking fabulous, rich, and like the sexkitten who got the cream – and which dancing girl wouldn’t want to aspire to that?

Lookalikes fall into two camps – those who do it because they want to be like beautiful woman ‘Miss x’, and those who, frankly, look just like ‘Miss x’.  But seeing as the judging panel is made up of drunk and horny guys, who-looks-like-who is fairly debatable.  For example, I’ve been compared to;

both the ginger AND blonde one from Girls Aloud,
Betty Boo (???)
Marilyn Monroe
Scarlett Johannesen (yes please)
Kate Hudson
Debbie Harry (awesome)
Some girl off Neighbours
Some girl off Eastenders (eeek!)
And naturally, an ex-girlfriend/wife/daughter, although this usually means that there is no way in hell I’m getting a dance, unless the guy is totally perverted.

As you can see from the range above, dancers can look like all sorts of beautiful women.  But the rare lady who does actually look like a spitting image of a readily recognisable face – or body – is practically guaranteed to make bank with the gentleman present.

I knew a girl who was the absolute double for Pamela Anderson, and she did great – but not as well as a brunette with luscious REAL locks who looked like the provocative 15yr old Brooke Shields in the 1980s jeans ad. As she looked like every guys childhood fantasies, and had a friendly Australian accent to boot, her smile got her places – and dances.

Just goes to show that what men want can be triggered in all sortsa ways – including who you look like, past and present….