How to give a lapdance

Possibly the most important skill in a lapdancer's arsenal, or possibly the most over-rated.

Lapdancing = dancing whilst removing items of clothing, usually with at least one person watching.

It's the stuff of nightmares for many, but for born exhibitionists like me, it's the stuff of dreams...

But how do you strip like an exotic dancer?  Here are some tips on giving a lapdance

1. Eye contact   Look deeply into the eyes of your audience. Wink a little, flirt coquettishly with fluttering lashes.  Single one man out and look directly at him.  Make them feel like they are the only man, woman, or perve in the room. Back away a little if you please, so he can see all of you, and look back into those beautiful baby blues.  But please remember this isn't a staring match, so don't freak onlookers out with a beady eyed stare of death....
2. Bent knees   Keeping your knees bent is crucial when giving a lapdance, as it brings your jiggling booty to his crotch ie: you are on his lap.  It also makes your bottom stick out more, increases the freedom of movement, and hell, you can always just pretend you are at Carnival.
3. Forget the fastenings   Don't sweat the bra-straps, zips, knicker elastics and ribbon ties of this world.  Yes, they will get caught, stuck, and prove damn fiddly just when you least expect it.  If you can, ask your audience for help - most will be happy to oblige, and it will create a rapport and waste time (hurrah!)  Or else flop a breast out, shove your tits in his face, and whilst he is distracted, you are free to sort the offending fastening out. 
4. Breathe, Smile, Think SEX!     It will show in your lapdance if you are fantasising about Brad Pitt going down on you whilst you are fed chocolate covered strawberries by Orlando Bloom. If you want to dance sexy, you have to think sexy.  And please don't get so nervous that you stop breathing, begin to shake and burst into tears.  I've seen it happen with the new girls.  Just think Hollywood heart throb, and not 'does he like me, how big is my bum?'
5. Slow Down... Slow, sensual movements are great.  Pretend the chair is an ardous mountain, not a jungle-monkey climbing frame. Go slowly, not jerky. (unless we are talking bum wiggling, in which case you can go like the clappers!)

So, I hope you like my top 5 tips for giving a guy a lapdance.  Follow these tips and you could be wearing a binbag and he'll like it.  Aww, bless.  Men.  They can be so simple sometimes, hey?     

Stripper Stereotypes #8; The Glamazon AKA the Brazilian Lapdancer

The Glamazon's AKA The Brazilian Stripper - lean, sleek, glam.  As a stripper stereotype, they have been on the rise in the last few years as the sexy women of Brazil have been put on the map as more than just a girl from Ipanema.  Nowadays, you will find several girls from Brazil in any stripclub you care to visit, and boy were they born to do it.

The average Brazilian lapdancer has several things going for her.  Firstly, she can move.  Brazilians can shake their arse like no-one else, having practised since birth doing the salsa, meringue and rumba at carnivals up and down the country.  Their booty shaking is an art form, as it doesn't just wobble and spill - it undulates rhythmically, matched by a beautifully still, curved S-shape back.  It's mesmerising to watch, especially when said bottom is draped around a pole with brightly coloured strobes playing across her curves.

Ah, those curves!  Curves of some shape or form are pretty much a pre-requisite for a stripper, and the Brazilians have beautifully pronounced bodies.  The arse is big, the tits are big, the lips are big.  Brazil is one of the world's top countries in the world for plastic surgery, and it's de-rigeur for a woman to have several enhancement op's. I know one Glamazon who has had 4 or 5 plastic surgery procedures already, and she is only 19 years old.  Even better, many of the operations seem to have been designed with taking your clothes off in mind.  Take the bottom enhancement, or 'bum-job'.  Basically a boob-job for your arse, silicon implants are inserted into your cheeks to give it a nice, rounded look.  Your bottom will forever be perky and will look great in jeans.  However, many Brazilian girls have had this procedure whilst cultivating a tiny waist and super lean body, which means that their bottom looks a little boxy - less curvy, more like a shelf to rest your beer on. Or perhaps they double-up as a great cocktail shaker?

Brazilian Glamazons always have amazing manes of hair, like a superhero.  It's thick, glossy and black, and in fantastic condition because Brazil invented the Brazilian blowdry and statistically has more beauty and hair products than Imelda Marcos had shoes.  Naturally, this is hair on the head, as the rest of them are hairless and waxed as smooth as a baby's bum save a tiny landing strip nestling above their (surgically enhanced) designer vagina.

Brazilian lapdances are a trend that is set to rise as it's a funny trueism of lapdancer immigration that where one girl goes, her sister's follow (literally in many cases).   Like the Eastern European stripper demographic, they travel in packs, work in packs, and can magically break off from loud, incessant chatter in their native tongues to swoop on the nearest approaching customer.  Still, I do love the Glamazon's - the Brazilians are such a friendly, uplifting bunch and can really get a stripclub going with that carnival party atmosphere.  Now where's my mojito?

Scary John takes his clothes off

How drunk would a customer have to be in a lapdancing club to pull his trousers down, wave his willy about and ask for sex, or a handjob, or a spanking - or all of the above.
God it was embarrassing, and the only good thing to come out of it was the opportunity to nip home early.  It was a horribly slow night and i told my boss that i was very upset by the whole situation.....

But the worst thing of all was that he grabbed my wrist and I had to hit him with my handbag to get him off me.  Unfortunately I'm not living in a Soprano's episode, so the bouncers can't kick his face in.  Not that I condone violence, but its a real shame that they can't be a little more agressive sometimes, especially when someones have been a dick to me.

Oh, and who watches the cameras in the private dance booths - every bloody manager and security heavy in the club,  but only when there is a funny bit like that guy mooning at me, his white ass cheeks flashing in the video.  Another dancer did a spectacular banana skin style slip onto her bum whilst in the VIP, and they rewound it over and over in the back room, and teased the poor essex lass mercilessly for a week.....