Stripclub Stereotypes #11 ; The Eastern European Stripper

Like most British industries, the stripping world has been hit by an influx of immigrants from the former Soviet Bloc states and other countries in the Eastern Europe diaspora over the past decade or so.  They are easy to spot, as they all have long thick hair untouched and undamaged from years of bleaching and extensions, and look like a catwalk model.  Luckily for this historically crappily accurate (ish) account of how they travelled across Europe just to show you their sweet little pussies,  they didn't all come at once, and certainly don't all look the same....

The first wave were the Poles - tall, blonde & blue-eyed young ladies from Poland. As their nationality would suggest, the Poles made very good strippers as they looked excellent draped around a pole, your lap, or each other.  Some even took the jingo reference seriously and became highly-proficient feature dancers with acrobatic pole-work shows.
A few years later, the Estonians and Latvians showed up, I think - a various hotch-potch of countries, bringing with them a kaleidoscope of varying languages and womanhood.  Changing-rooms across the country were suddenly mini United Nations, and the women now on offer were of all sorts of beauty.  Brunette, blondes, mousy, eyes of baize green, icy blues and deep russet browns. they smoked funny cigarettes, such as thin Vogues, and mostly came in pairs or cliques, chattering away in conversations peppered with gutteral pronunciations and the odd designer label 'Mulberry', 'Dolce' & of course, 'Primarni' as the big store on Oxford Street was freshly opened and was - and still is - a mecca for a girl looking for some cheap underwear.
Most recently, the Romanians have ventured onto British shores.  The Romanian girls pushed a whole new kind of meaning to pushy and ridiculousy sexy.  These girls are usually so drop-dead gorgeous you would think they were the underworlds harem.  I've never seen such long, luscious hair, deep black with thick waves and curls.  Eyes are a deep black, wide and open, and fix men with a hypnotic stare.

As a stripclub stereotype, the Eastern European Stripper (and I know that this is a broad bunch and that this post is a very broad generalisation), anyway, the Eastern European strippers can be said to be intoxicatingly beautiful, with willowy figures to die for, full breasts, and a work ethic that puts the average homegrown British stripper to shame.  Imagine you are a customer.  You go for a dance with a charming, pretty little girl from Devon, and you will probably spend £20-60 on her.  It's easier to say no, somehow.  However, go for your next dance with an Eastern European stripper, and you will blow double that.  Go with a Romanian that puts the exotic into exotic dancer, and you won't even have dances - she will lead you straight into VIP, and avail you of at least £150.  I truly wish I knew what they said, and how they did this, as I could then be writing this post from a nice beach-hut in the Caribbean.  I suspect that the enduring fascination with Eastern European strippers is that so many of their kindred feature prominently in porn movies, so bits of them look erringly similar to what the average bloke jacked off to when he was younger, or even last night's secretive fumble whilst the missus was putting the kids to bed.....

Stripclub Stereotypes #10 ; The Bored Stripper

Every lapdancer can be categorised as a 'bored stripper' at some point in their life - or even a shift.
You've all seen them - groups of bored looking girls grouped around the bar, the dark corners, the edges of the club - waiting patiently for customers to come along.  The bored stripper will be staring into space, playing with her hair, twiddling with the straw in her glass, staring with glassy eyes at the stage where, perhaps, another bored stripper stands slowly  swinging her hips.
Watching a bored stripper on stage is depressingly painful to watch.  If she looks like she is waiting for a bus, occasionally pulling off an item of clothing - just tugging it down if she can get away with it - the bare minimum to get her tits out - then she's bored.  A bored stripper on stage will also move with the least effort possible - akin to a stripper sloth, perhaps with a half-hearted twirl thrown in to stop her dying of boredom.
The bored stripper watching is in a state of half-sleep.  She's hibernating, one eye on the door, like a snake in it's hole.  She's all coiled up, waiting to pounce, but there is no-one there, just an empty club with booming music reverberating round the empty seats.
Bored strippers have been known to wait for two, three hours a night, especially right now, the slow, slloooooww evenings of August, as everyone is either a) on holiday or b) don't want to sit in the dark looking at girls when they can ogle at them for free in the park.  This is the month when there may be more girls than customers for the majority of the evening - or worse, the whole night.  This is the month when the doors get cobwebs, tumbleweed rolls across the empty floor, and the glasses get polished over and over by the equally bored barman.  All the conversations have been had twice this week already, and the gossip only lasts till nine, ten o'clock, so the dancers fall mute and stare into space, daydreaming of VIP.
It's easy to spot a bored stripper - the problem is that as soon as she spots you, she isn't bored anymore.  She turns into the predatory stripper, and you my friend, are her prey as soon as you step through the door.

Stripclub Stereotypes #10; The Pushbutton Guy

If there is one thing a stripper dreams of, it's a push-button guy.  He'll agree to anything you ask, and if he can't make it happen immediately, he'll try and find a way to. And he will do it with a big smile.

I had a push-button guy this weekend just gone, and he was a cut-and-paste stereotypical push-button that had been lifted straight from the catalogue.

Did he want another dance?  Yes please!
Did he want to go to VIP? Yes please!
Could he pay in cash rather than using the club's money? Yes please!

I'm afraid ladies and gentleman, that I took everything that was in his wallet in dances and a half-hour of VIP.  But he was so incredibly grateful for my company and all the attention I was giving him. Suprisingly, he was a young, nice guy from Guernsey, a carpenter (they must pay a lot to put shelves up in Guernsey!)  He was slim and fairly alright looking, but fairly sexually inexperienced and hadn't had a girlfriend for a while.  To him,  I was the bee's knees, the sexiest, most charming woman he had come across for a while, and he delighted in telling me so, again and again, always with a big, dappy smile that stretched glowingly across his features. He was so grateful that he bent to my gentle, teasing coercion and agreed to everything - and then came in the next night too!

Don't get me wrong.  Pushbutton's are not there to be ridiculed.  When a woman receives lots of appreciation - whether its monetary or compliments, she's grateful and happy too.  That's why we wish all customers were as gentlemanly and sweet as pushbutton's are.  Both nights that we had were really, really good fun - we had a great connection and he revelled in every minute of his stripclub experience.  I'm sure this weekend will be in his wank-bank forever.

Stripper Stereotypes #8; The Glamazon AKA the Brazilian Lapdancer

The Glamazon's AKA The Brazilian Stripper - lean, sleek, glam.  As a stripper stereotype, they have been on the rise in the last few years as the sexy women of Brazil have been put on the map as more than just a girl from Ipanema.  Nowadays, you will find several girls from Brazil in any stripclub you care to visit, and boy were they born to do it.

The average Brazilian lapdancer has several things going for her.  Firstly, she can move.  Brazilians can shake their arse like no-one else, having practised since birth doing the salsa, meringue and rumba at carnivals up and down the country.  Their booty shaking is an art form, as it doesn't just wobble and spill - it undulates rhythmically, matched by a beautifully still, curved S-shape back.  It's mesmerising to watch, especially when said bottom is draped around a pole with brightly coloured strobes playing across her curves.

Ah, those curves!  Curves of some shape or form are pretty much a pre-requisite for a stripper, and the Brazilians have beautifully pronounced bodies.  The arse is big, the tits are big, the lips are big.  Brazil is one of the world's top countries in the world for plastic surgery, and it's de-rigeur for a woman to have several enhancement op's. I know one Glamazon who has had 4 or 5 plastic surgery procedures already, and she is only 19 years old.  Even better, many of the operations seem to have been designed with taking your clothes off in mind.  Take the bottom enhancement, or 'bum-job'.  Basically a boob-job for your arse, silicon implants are inserted into your cheeks to give it a nice, rounded look.  Your bottom will forever be perky and will look great in jeans.  However, many Brazilian girls have had this procedure whilst cultivating a tiny waist and super lean body, which means that their bottom looks a little boxy - less curvy, more like a shelf to rest your beer on. Or perhaps they double-up as a great cocktail shaker?

Brazilian Glamazons always have amazing manes of hair, like a superhero.  It's thick, glossy and black, and in fantastic condition because Brazil invented the Brazilian blowdry and statistically has more beauty and hair products than Imelda Marcos had shoes.  Naturally, this is hair on the head, as the rest of them are hairless and waxed as smooth as a baby's bum save a tiny landing strip nestling above their (surgically enhanced) designer vagina.

Brazilian lapdances are a trend that is set to rise as it's a funny trueism of lapdancer immigration that where one girl goes, her sister's follow (literally in many cases).   Like the Eastern European stripper demographic, they travel in packs, work in packs, and can magically break off from loud, incessant chatter in their native tongues to swoop on the nearest approaching customer.  Still, I do love the Glamazon's - the Brazilians are such a friendly, uplifting bunch and can really get a stripclub going with that carnival party atmosphere.  Now where's my mojito?

Stripclub Stereotypes #7; Bouncers at Stripclubs

One of the most memorable characters I encounter have to be the bouncers at stripclubs.  Sure, you expect dancers at stripclubs, and even waitresses at stripclubs, but the first person anyone meets as they walk up to the big doors with their silly little roped off area, gaudy neon sign and signposted promises of illicit girly fun inside is a big, huge, burly hunk of masculinity.  The Stripclub Bouncer.

Are these guys gentle giants, or are they steroid filled bullies? 

Do they hold a grudge against men or a complex against women?  

Are they nice to anyone? Ever?

The stripclub bouncer is an easy stereotype to spot.  They are usually very big - either very tall, very wide, or both.  They are usually dressed in black suits with some sort of tie, or have a thick long black overcoat and leather gloves in the winter.  They are the equivalent of a funeral parlour crossed with WWF.

They always come in pairs.  Bouncers approach their job straight out of the testament - like the doorkeepers for Noah's ark, they go anywhere two-by-two.  This can often be quite comical, if they have a little and large pairing.  It can also be really scary, if they are both equally matched, and tower over you.

Bouncers at any establishment are usually jobsworth's, and a strip club is no exception to the rule.  Do they know you? Do they even like the look of you? Are you acting silly, or drunk, or even breathing whilst waiting at their hallowed door?  If the answer to the above is no, no, no, then you may have a fight getting in.  Obviously if you fight, or argue, then you are definitely not getting in.  It's best to introduce yourself calmly and rationally, and slip them a £20.

For strippers, bouncers come in two groups - nice-ish and downright unfair.  As they are a form of semi-management at most clubs, they have the power to tell you off, kick your customer out, or slap you with a fine.  Have you ever been to a lapdancing venue and got into an argument with a dancer?  Did she plead, cajole then shout and finally storm off to get help?  Bet that took a good 5 minutes, didn't it?  The thing is, dancer's don't want to get the bouncers most of the time, as it just causes more trouble.  If a bouncer views it as a waste of his time, or a minor misdemeanour, then he will tell the dancer off in private afterwards.  Everytime a lapdancer fetches a bouncer, he remembers.  Before you know it, a lapdancer has a reputation for f**king things up.  (Naturally, some girls do deserve this reputation)

Still, if a dancer prances over to a bouncer without a problem they are usually say hello back.  I can always find a few bouncers in any club I work in who are friendly, fun, and like a chat.  However, bouncers in groups behave in the same way as all men in groups do - they make jokes at others expense. A girl has a cute arse? Joke about anal then.

Customer too drunk to see?  Joke about being ripped off then.

They kicked someone out? Big bragging story.

What about strip club bouncers and the customers?  Well now thats a mixed bag.  I've got so many stories of naughty customers and bouncers spoiling for a fight that I will have to save some for a future post.  Needless to say, if a bouncer gets called over to you, or finds you doing something you shouldn't - like drugs, grabbing a girl, or refusing to pay - then you need to shut up and listen.  Talking your way out of this one, especially when you have been drinking and the Russian blonde has given you a hard on and taken all your cash and your card is behind the bar, well, talking your way out of this one is going to be difficult.  He will probably think your a rude twat, call his mates over and drag you out of the club.  That's right, I said drag.  Security staff are specially trained to grab guys in a headlock, by the shoulders  (I've seen by the ear once), and forcibly move the wriggling, kicking, squirming body out of the club.  I've been on the sidelines a few times, and it's not pretty.  Very funny though to the bored strippers looking on.

There is still a lot I'd like to say in this post, but I want to see what comments I get on it.  I never knew that stripclub bouncers could be such an exhaustive topic!  But bless, bouncers at a strip club may be big, scary and menacing figures wielding power over all who enter, but, at the end of the day, they keep me safe.  When I've got my knickers round my ankles and suddenly feel vulnerable, I'm grateful that I can call over a 6"4 hero to save my ass.  Bouncers at my club, I salute you! 

Stripclub stereotypes #6: kiss and tell strippers

Everyone knows all footballers, sportsmen and famous reprobates love a strip club, so the temptation to be a kiss-and-tell-girl can be strong.  If you are a stealthy stripper – a fickle celeb fame-hunter, with Max Clifford on speed dial and a wall of ‘EXCLUSIVE! SCANDALOUS!’ newspaper front pages with your face on them, a career as a stripper can be seen as a potentially lucrative opportunity.  A decent story can net a girl 5 – 10 grand minimum, get her a few photo shoots in the national press, and a brief taste of the fickle flame of fame and notoriety.

So for all you discerning men out there with a reputation to protect, how do you spot a celeb-fame hunter kinda girl?

That’s the problem here – you can’t.
Perhaps go with your gut feeling, rather than the excited feeling which is building in your pants?

I would say that a good indicator that this is not the right girl to spend a night with would be;
If the doorman at the hotel knows her by name.
If your teammates wink and say – she’s trouble.
If she insists on taking lots of kinky photos during your session.
If she asks you to autograph the napkin you wrote your number down on.

I had a night recently in which I danced, again and again, for the cutest young man who made my heart pound and pussy moist – I guessed he was someone important, but as he had a crew of minders and was being deliberately vague I didn’t bother asking.  (He was hot and had money and adored moi – that’s all a girl needs to know.)  Imagine my surprise when I found him in a magazines hot young bachelor list!  Now luckily for him, I respect privacy, but for a different kind of woman, the temptation to take the night further and then sell the story  - well…. that's for a kiss-and-tell stripper to say

Stripclub stereotypes #5 : The Lookalike

The lookalike affect sweeps through your average stripper demographic in waves.  Ever since Cheryl Cole became the nation’s sweetheart, all the dancers have gone brunette, with long luscious extensions falling in waves down their backs.  Shockingly, they now outnumber the blondes so much that some nights I am the only blonde in the club!
This trend is set to continue apace now that Kate Middleton, with her swingy brunette blowdry, is on the front cover of every tabloid looking fabulous, rich, and like the sexkitten who got the cream – and which dancing girl wouldn’t want to aspire to that?

Lookalikes fall into two camps – those who do it because they want to be like beautiful woman ‘Miss x’, and those who, frankly, look just like ‘Miss x’.  But seeing as the judging panel is made up of drunk and horny guys, who-looks-like-who is fairly debatable.  For example, I’ve been compared to;

both the ginger AND blonde one from Girls Aloud,
Betty Boo (???)
Marilyn Monroe
Scarlett Johannesen (yes please)
Kate Hudson
Debbie Harry (awesome)
Some girl off Neighbours
Some girl off Eastenders (eeek!)
And naturally, an ex-girlfriend/wife/daughter, although this usually means that there is no way in hell I’m getting a dance, unless the guy is totally perverted.

As you can see from the range above, dancers can look like all sorts of beautiful women.  But the rare lady who does actually look like a spitting image of a readily recognisable face – or body – is practically guaranteed to make bank with the gentleman present.

I knew a girl who was the absolute double for Pamela Anderson, and she did great – but not as well as a brunette with luscious REAL locks who looked like the provocative 15yr old Brooke Shields in the 1980s jeans ad. As she looked like every guys childhood fantasies, and had a friendly Australian accent to boot, her smile got her places – and dances.

Just goes to show that what men want can be triggered in all sortsa ways – including who you look like, past and present….

Stripclub Stereotypes #4 ; Prince Charming

Every girl - even the hardest hitting hustler - dreams of a prince to whisk her away and protect her.  Could you be Prince Charming?  If you are the kind of man that wants to make a poor dancing girls dreams come true, here is a rough guide;

• Looks and charm are key.  A princess-in-waiting needs her prince to stimulate her senses, till her heart beats so fast her perched nipples stand to attention.  Don't worry if you are not top banana in the looks department - fake the princely look with a smart suit, an artfully placed handkerchief and affect an accent. After a couple of bottles of champagne and enough compliments to make the Queen herself blush, even the biggest busted and stone hearted stripper will have booze goggles and will be hanging on your every word ( and dollar).
• Please suggest the VIP before she does - a gurl likes to be rushed off her feet.  But no hardcore dancing I am afraid - you want to gaze into her eyes and discover the lady within.
• Channel Cinderella - spend all night and pots of cash on the dazzled girl then disappear just before the club closes, leaving only a crumpled business card and a half finished bottle of Cristal.
• Keep her waiting until your next visit, and upon your arrival, insist very loudly that whilst you will be a proper gent and buy the rejected girls a drink, you wait only for your special woman.  This way the other dancers will think that you are a decent sort of chappie and respect your obvious adoration and desires for said dancer-in-waiting.

Knowing us girls after all this the other dancers will probably hot-foot it to the changing room/stage/their pals/another customer and spill - gossip spreads like wildfire in a strip club environment.  

You may feel the hairs pricking on the back of your neck as you feel the full force of a stripclub full of beautiful women desiring you and men wanting to be you.  You'll be the Prince rocking the party so make sure the champagne keeps flowing, money keeps flying through the air, and the two of you laugh louder than anybody else in the room.

Before you'll know it you will be envied by all in the club as the ultimate suave Prince Charming who got the girl and turned her into a Princess for the night.

Stripclub Stereotypes #3 ; The college/University stripper

Now lets face it, stripping is perfect for putting a girl through education.  You don't have to get up in the morning so can work a late night, you are young and in your giggliest, most sociable prime, and are probably not in your hometown.  Plus you get paid in cash, far more than the average bartending/shelf-stacking part-timer, and can save that student loan for a rainy day.  Why not be a college/university stripper?

It's also a stereotype which is continually abused by most lapdancers.  There was a recent study from the University of Leeds which stated that one in four lapdancers have a university degree. I'd agree that this is a fair estimate, but if you are a punter and ask the question outright, show the slightest bit of keeness that you hope your right, and she will flutter her lashes and say "Yes! of course!"

(an article can be found here; http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/one-in-four-lap-dancers-has-a-degree-study-finds-2063252.html
and a good blog post from the informative Busaman group can be found here; http://busamagroup.wordpress.com/2010/10/13/facts-about-strippers-and-exotic-dancers-revealed/ )

Most college/university strippers will be studying something along these lines;

• Beauty    Because we spend hours in front of the mirror each night, preening ourselves, and you may as well know how to put on the slap properly.
• Hairdressing  As above, but this is also a really useful skill for a dancer to have, as she will make a lot of friends in the changing room if she knows how to curl those locks just so and execute a killer blowdry.  And more friends = more girls who will bring you onto a good table.
• Acting/Dancing   As every night spent in the club is theoretically a method acting opportunity.  Besides, most auditions are held after lunch.
• Business studies   Paticuarly if said dancer is an eastern european.  They really like studying business studies, I guess its because lots of the city colleges offer it.
• The arts  Struggling artists and muso types gravitate towards and opportunity to express themselves whilst bounding around naked and earning decent pocket money until they are discovered.
• Law   I know, weird huh?  I think it's something to do with the super expensive fees and the lengthy course, but I swear I've met more than a few girls in pink G-strings who also like a legal brief.  I blame the Legally Blonde effect.

Stripclub Stereotypes #2 ; perverted wallet worriers

These are the urban legends of the average stripclub punter.  The media will portray them as dirty mac wearing, shuffling men with a combover and hands that creep to their crotch.  I know them as bread-and- butter regulars who are great for having a guaranteed dance from, but are generally so eager to molest that its not always the nicest option.

Perverted wallet worriers have an enclycopaedic knowledge of the nearest stripclubs and their favourite dancers, and which girl does what and for what price.  This can lead to arguments from the old-hand stripper, who won't give a toss what he says, she ain't doing it! It can also be distressing for the new girls, who get manipulated into thinking thats how far all the girls go, and that breaking the rules they were told at the start is normal.  At the end of the day, yeah it probably happened, once or twice, but wasn't as good as he remembers and has built up into in his wankbank of collective memories.

Whilst old-school perverted wallet worriers may have worn a dirty anorak, nowadays the door policy makes them leave the old mac at the coatcheck.  They can be spotted at the tipping rail, nursing their single beer, staring at the girls on stage with glazed eyes and eeking out their notes to last all night. 

Stripclub Stereotypes #1 ; The single mom stripper

Ahh, the single mum stripper - This is a classic stripper stereotype, and happens more than most of you think.

They can be spotted by having toned, banging bodies and a super tight tum.  I know it's the opposite of what you would think, but these women know how much their job means to them and their kids, and are willing to work hard - in the gym, at home, and at the club.  They've been forced to start taking their job seriously - its no more easy times and easy money, as they can't be selfish or blase about what they do with their days anymore.  No, there are two (or more) to think about now, and seeing as the average childhood is 16 years plus, whilst you can strip for perhaps a decade, perhaps a little more, and you will see why the single mum stripper is one of the hardest working stripper stereotypes you'll find.

Not that they'll tell you that easily.  It's private and personal, and if you just want a dance or two, there's no need for you to know.

Even in the changing room, they might keep it quiet.  The managers will know, due to no-shows at a shift or reasons for why they should be let home early.  A few dancers will know, but probably because they admired the single mom stripper's super toned tummy and were shocked (and slightly jealous, natch) to hear that the rippling flesh had popped out several little munchkins, and that the toned svelte arms were from lugging babies about.
I can guarantee that as soon as that single stripper mom could, she started doing those sit-ups and squeezing those pelvic floor muscles so that she could start earning again.

And for those who wonder what childbirth does to her snatch?  Well, what with the waxing and fake tan and body glitter and strobe lights, even a triple single mom's looks tasty enough for a VIP....

Stripclub Stereotypes ; a new series

I've decided that although this blog is a personal journey, the strip club world is a private world, full of different characters - from the weird and wonderful to the relatively normal who get dragged in like so many exhibitionist and pervy flotsam and jetsam.

To give some sort of background, I've been asking fellow dancers and chosen customers what type of stereotypes - both punters and dancers - keep popping up and in.

The response has been great, and made me think of the club in a whole new way.  It's become less of a social struggle, and more a perverse comedy played out in front of my twinkly little toes.

Over the coming weeks, I'll be devoting some hard work and attention (I know, right? Doesn't sound like me), anyways, I'm planning and crossing my fingers that I'll be able to dispel some myths and create some new ones with a series on the individuals that rock my world, night in, night out.