Don't smoke you drunken idiot!!!

If there are several butts wiggling in front of you whilst their tiny streaky-lined panties are tangled around their ankles, perhaps there is a bottle of £180 champagne within reach, I can understand that a man may get fairly distracted. He may lay back, observe the sensual scene unfolding in front of him that he has shelled out a succession of twenty pound notes and card swipes for, and feel relaxed. Totally relaxed. Relaxed enough to feel like he is at home, reaching into his suit, pulling out a cigarette, and lighting it up.
Deep pull, close your eyes..... and then BAM!!! Every bouncer and manager in the building rushes in helter-skelter,the cigarette gets pulled from your fingers, hot rocks and ash falling onto your Savile Row whistle, the girls start screaming, they are herded out, half naked, stumbling over their dropped lacy panties, and you are surrounded.
This whole scene takes barely a minute.
You lost concentration, you silly drunken idiot, revelling in the moment.
Because whatever goes on in the champagne rooms, nowadays, smoking is definately not allowed.
Uh- uh.
London's got a smoking ban, as has half of Europe.
You mighht get a quick feel, you might get laid, you might even get a phone number - but a quick pull on a fag???
Forget about it.  It's a ten thousand pound fine, whereas a bit of bad perverted behaviour will either get you cuffed round the ear, or perhaps the stripper might get suspended.
I've had a guy pull his pants down and waggle his dick at me, many others who have grabbed me so hard that I've screamed, people stick out their slobbery tongues and try and lick my nipples - and to be honest, many one or two bouncers and managers have perhaps waded in.  Slap on the wrist.
But light up inside the club, and you're out mate.  Pronto.

Funny that isn't it? Is my welfare that unimportant, or do all gentleman's club managers have asthma.......???

What not to say to a lapdancer

ARRRGGHHH!!!

There are a lot of things that we don't want to hear, but the single most irritating thing is ......

is......

is......

Actually thats the point I'm trying to make.  When guys are drunk, they repeat themselves, over and over, like a bloody broken record.

Case in point - last weekend I spent three hours in VIP.  Fantastic, right?  Think of the money, right? But the guy I was in there with, god he was SO ANNOYING.

He kept repeating, over and over, in a drunken slur "put your tits in my face...tits in my face...I want tits in my face..."

he did this for three hours non-stop.  THREE HOURS!!!

Problem is, most clubs in the UK are non-contact, so we can waggle our tits near his face, around his head, jiggle the damn things wherever you want, but a UK stripper can't smash her mammaries into your face for more than a split second.  Any more and the bouncer will swing by, tell off the dancer, and pull up the customer on it, thus ending our VIP/lapdance moment.

So everytime the tits moved out of the way of his face - a drunk face with slobbering tongue, drool coming down his bottom lip, and sharp little drunken teeth that wanted to bite the strippers, he'd let out a long wail "Tiiittts in my faacceeeeee".  I kid you not, this was the sole reach of his conversational skills.

Luckily I wasn't alone with the guy in VIP, there were two of us girls dancing for this guy.  This was excellent as he was the wandering hands type - the bouncer came in over and over to tell him to put his hands by his sides.  And boy were they some hands! Not only do drunk guys repeat themselves, they also grab really, really hard.  I pride myself on my lovely soft smooth skin, and hate the regularity of drunk guy's attempts to maul it.   Fucking mauled! If you're gonna squeeze my leg, touch my thigh, or make a lunge for my tit, why once you make contact do you treat it like a lemon?  I'm not a piece of fruit that needs squeezing and juicing, I'm a sexy woman who is trying to give an erotic show here.  That's hardly likely to happen when I am yelping out in pain every five minutes.

So in the end, the other dancer and I took it in turns to hold his hands down whilst the other waggled her tits in his general direction and spoke dirty.  Because he was leering at our tits we had a conversation of grimacing faces and bored WTF's over his head - literally over his head.

This went on for three hours, apart from one brief interlude which I'll reproduce here for your enjoyment;

HIM;   Tits in my face, tits in my face.....

ME;    Oh you want titties?  Here you go....    (to other dancer) I'll take over, grab his hands.

(the other stripper and I swap positions in a sexyish fashion, telling him he's a naughty boy whilst grabbing his hands)


STRIPPER 2;  OOOhh, look at those lovely titties, yummy... OWW!!! No pinching, lets be sexy, ok?

HIM;  Tits in my face, I wantttt tits in my face...titssss

S2 to ME;   Doesn't he ever get bored of saying that?  Oy! No biting us either.  Jeez, he needs a muzzle.

ME;   Come on now naughty, look at my lovely titties.  Look at them bouncing in your face, yummmm

S2;  Ohhh booby sandwich....

ME;  (here I lean forward whilst massaging my breasts and whisper into his ear)  Ohhh, lovely titties, titties in your face, ohhhh lovely nice titties, look at those breasts, little pert nipples.....

S2;   (whispers to me from across his head) I think your talks working, he's gone quiet.  Keep talking...

ME;   OOOhhhhh yeah, lovely nice titties,  ohh yeah...

HIM;   mmmm...SNORE......SNORE....

S2;  Oh shit, he's fallen asleep.  What shall we do?

ME;  Leave him for a bit.

S2;  But the bouncers will notice.  He'll get thrown out if he's asleep.

ME;  Not if we stand in the way and look like we're dancing....

(the two of us stand there swaying in front of this snoring guy for ten minutes before waking him up as if nothing had happened.....He woke up with titties in his face, and a drink being placed in his hand, and we spent another hour in VIP with him.)




So guys, what not to say to a lapdancer?  Well, we've heard it all, and don't really care what you say, as long as it's not the same inane crap over and over again whilst you pinch and pull at our tight little bodies, or else we'll pull Voodoo stripper magic on you and send you to sleep.... LOLZ!!!!

Stripclub Stereotypes #7; Bouncers at Stripclubs

One of the most memorable characters I encounter have to be the bouncers at stripclubs.  Sure, you expect dancers at stripclubs, and even waitresses at stripclubs, but the first person anyone meets as they walk up to the big doors with their silly little roped off area, gaudy neon sign and signposted promises of illicit girly fun inside is a big, huge, burly hunk of masculinity.  The Stripclub Bouncer.

Are these guys gentle giants, or are they steroid filled bullies? 

Do they hold a grudge against men or a complex against women?  

Are they nice to anyone? Ever?

The stripclub bouncer is an easy stereotype to spot.  They are usually very big - either very tall, very wide, or both.  They are usually dressed in black suits with some sort of tie, or have a thick long black overcoat and leather gloves in the winter.  They are the equivalent of a funeral parlour crossed with WWF.

They always come in pairs.  Bouncers approach their job straight out of the testament - like the doorkeepers for Noah's ark, they go anywhere two-by-two.  This can often be quite comical, if they have a little and large pairing.  It can also be really scary, if they are both equally matched, and tower over you.

Bouncers at any establishment are usually jobsworth's, and a strip club is no exception to the rule.  Do they know you? Do they even like the look of you? Are you acting silly, or drunk, or even breathing whilst waiting at their hallowed door?  If the answer to the above is no, no, no, then you may have a fight getting in.  Obviously if you fight, or argue, then you are definitely not getting in.  It's best to introduce yourself calmly and rationally, and slip them a £20.

For strippers, bouncers come in two groups - nice-ish and downright unfair.  As they are a form of semi-management at most clubs, they have the power to tell you off, kick your customer out, or slap you with a fine.  Have you ever been to a lapdancing venue and got into an argument with a dancer?  Did she plead, cajole then shout and finally storm off to get help?  Bet that took a good 5 minutes, didn't it?  The thing is, dancer's don't want to get the bouncers most of the time, as it just causes more trouble.  If a bouncer views it as a waste of his time, or a minor misdemeanour, then he will tell the dancer off in private afterwards.  Everytime a lapdancer fetches a bouncer, he remembers.  Before you know it, a lapdancer has a reputation for f**king things up.  (Naturally, some girls do deserve this reputation)

Still, if a dancer prances over to a bouncer without a problem they are usually say hello back.  I can always find a few bouncers in any club I work in who are friendly, fun, and like a chat.  However, bouncers in groups behave in the same way as all men in groups do - they make jokes at others expense. A girl has a cute arse? Joke about anal then.

Customer too drunk to see?  Joke about being ripped off then.

They kicked someone out? Big bragging story.

What about strip club bouncers and the customers?  Well now thats a mixed bag.  I've got so many stories of naughty customers and bouncers spoiling for a fight that I will have to save some for a future post.  Needless to say, if a bouncer gets called over to you, or finds you doing something you shouldn't - like drugs, grabbing a girl, or refusing to pay - then you need to shut up and listen.  Talking your way out of this one, especially when you have been drinking and the Russian blonde has given you a hard on and taken all your cash and your card is behind the bar, well, talking your way out of this one is going to be difficult.  He will probably think your a rude twat, call his mates over and drag you out of the club.  That's right, I said drag.  Security staff are specially trained to grab guys in a headlock, by the shoulders  (I've seen by the ear once), and forcibly move the wriggling, kicking, squirming body out of the club.  I've been on the sidelines a few times, and it's not pretty.  Very funny though to the bored strippers looking on.

There is still a lot I'd like to say in this post, but I want to see what comments I get on it.  I never knew that stripclub bouncers could be such an exhaustive topic!  But bless, bouncers at a strip club may be big, scary and menacing figures wielding power over all who enter, but, at the end of the day, they keep me safe.  When I've got my knickers round my ankles and suddenly feel vulnerable, I'm grateful that I can call over a 6"4 hero to save my ass.  Bouncers at my club, I salute you! 

Oops I did it again

Oops seems I have done it again.

What, you ask?

That's exactly the thought that was running through my mind tonight. It's barely midnight, it's a Monday, it's raining outside and both the streets ofnlobfon and my club are empty.

So i might have had a few drinks, but so what? Apparently whatever I've done is enough to piss a bouncer off. So he shouts at me, then I complain in the changing room over what a cock he us, then a manager overhears and before you know it

WHAM! A big fat £50 fine.

If you think I am being vague over what happened, it's because I don't know what happened. Specifically some lame customer complained about me - I refused to let him touch me in the dance, so he snitched to a bouncer that I had ripped him off. Usually this kind of complaint would be ignored, but he had to choose the bouncer that didn't like me....