Lapdance from Hell

Last night I had a lapdance from hell.  It was hellish because as well as taking ages to go have a dance, and continually trying to grope my bottom before we even got in there (attempted groping on the main floor, especially when you are standing mere feet away from where the manager's like to hang out, chat & be king of all they survey, is a BAD idea. if you want to break the no-touching rules, at least do it in the dance booths, as then I'll be getting a little sugar and you won't get told off as it's practically expected there)

Anyway, I digress.  Why was this a lapdance from hell - trust me, I've had many - but this was hellish because.....

he had a huge GROWTH on his face

that was probably CONTAGIOUS..... and he had been trying to put his obviously extremely filthy paws on me.

It was on his lip - well, it was bigger than his lip. It was a good inch across and a half high. It wasn't a cold sore, it wasn't a mole - it looked more like a BOIL.

A big, ready to burst bubble that was brown and purple - the nastiest BOIL ewwww

I hadn't noticed it out on the floor as we had been talking in a shadowed corner, but the dance booth we went to was a brighter than usual one, and so that's when I saw it.

I bet he saw the look of horror cross my face, and I tried my hardest to  dance as far away from his wandering hands as possible.  I didn't want to refuse the dance as it was a slow night and that would be nasty - it's probably not his fault he has the beginnings of an alien form growing in such a prominent on his face, but there was no way I was catching that thing.  End of my career or what?


I washed my hands afterwards a million times.

changing room conversations

I walked into the changing room yesterday looking like shit.  Honestly, sunburnt shoulders, washed out face, with bloodshot eyes, and seeing as I was sitting next to a load of dancers who were almost ready - a trio of bronzed and buffed up beauties, it made matters worse.
"Sweetie, you look like shit." opinioned Stripper Mum usefully.
"Yeah, you ill or something? Don't give me your fucking cold."  This was my friend from Essex, who likes to make her voice known through the use of expletives which pepper every other sentence.
It's been really hot and sunny in London this week, hitting the 20s with an easy stride - the front page of the Evening Standard screamed that we would be 30 degrees this wednesday! Imagine, 30 degrees in England!   this is, obviously, front page news (obviously a slow news monday).  Unfortunately, as you can probably tell since I haven't posted all week, I spent the weekend enjoying myself.  I didn't mean to get paraletic for 3 days straight, but thats what happens when you spend all day drinking in the park.
I was berating myself for being such a lazybones, and missing all the fun and excitement of a payday weekend, when Stripper Mum gave me a funny rendition of how the weekend had been for her;
"I had a VIP with the King of Haliotosis.  His breath was so bad that I wished I could squirt toothpaste from my tits - he kept on asking me to move closer and closer...'Come here, oohh yeah, a little closer baby"
She then started licking her lips like a village idiot (her impression of a fat slobbery bad breath guy, not because she is mental.)
"Ohhh closer, let me breath on you, big doggy tongue on your nice clean skin"
As I giggled manically, she finished up by collapsing in her chair, wailing like the wicked witch of the East.
"Help me! My silicone's melting...I'm melting...melting"

I may have missed the weekend, I may be hungover, but at least someone had a more gruesome experience than me....

Hypnotising a stripper

I was hypnotised by a man today. He was French,older, and stank of sexual experience and allure. He had  an air of danger about him, a knowing smirk to his smile - like Vincent Cassell playing a playboy baddie in oceans 13. 
He approached me whilst I was sitting alone at the bar after just being rejected. It was a slow Tuesday, and I'd had a long and bad day. The fatalist in me had won, and I had just sat down, alone, composing my thoughts that it was not my fault that the previous customer had decided to dance alone with my friend not the two of us. Her apologetic shrugg as she walked off with me said it all ; "couldnt be helped,just the way things are sometimes".
As I sat there, a man - handsome and debonair, had sat down in the seat next to me. "may I?"then moments later he pressed a twenty into my hand." this is for you- just a little something for being so lovely"
We talked, he was a smooth operator and I was falling for his charms.  He spoke of sex, true sex thats built on trust and goes anywhere, does anything.  At one point he grabbed the top of my head with a single hand, his thumb pressing on my top chakra, and made me stare deeply into his eyes. Im sure he hypnotised me, because in that moment i wanted him more than anything else in the world.
We didnt do any dances, he simply tipped me twice more and left before id finished my glass.
I'll go to sleep and dream of him tonight, what could have been, that's for sure....

An epic 5 day week for zilch...

Ok, so I know what your thinking - 5 days of work a week? Absolutely no sweat.

Yeah well, I've had 'normal' jobs, and 5 days did drag on, but in a totally different way. 

normal - you wake up early, but get home at a decent enough time to visit the pub and watch decent telly.
stripping - you crawl fuzzy headed outa bed at midday, the pubs full of losers and all you mates are at work till....

n -  ...till  its 6pm, when your pals begin arriving home
s - ....just as your leaving for work

n - you get paid a wage, day in, day out
s - you pay the club - anything from £40 to £100 a shift !!!

n - its 9am to 5pm
s - its 8pm to 5am

So ok, I am feeling kinda sorry for myself, which is why I haven't written much recently.  This has been the hardest month, money wise, that I have had in a 7 year career of stripping.  The money has just been painfully crap, I feel fat, the hairdresser did a really dodgy job on my highlights, and the sun only started to come out yesterday.

There haven't even been any sexy customers coming in.  I usually can find one or two semi-attractive, or friendly guys, just so that I can have a little flirt and get my game on before running round the rest of the club, letting those pheromones waft over all the other customers.  So yes, lapdancers do find some of you guys cute!! 

(still no sex in the champagne room though, sorry)

However, there is light at the end of the tunnel.  I know this sounds WRONG, seeing as I am a twentysomething lady who has taken her clothes off in front of half the local male population, but recently the local university students seem to be coming in, and well, they can be really hot.  Really, really hot, and they get so excited by us girls, and you can just sense that young teenage lust oozing out of their every pore, especially for their favourite dancers.....

So, Jacob, that young aussie in a checked shirt who had cheekbones to die for, and a nice little packed out chest on him - I rubbed up against it for the whole of our (longer than usual) dance..... come back sometime and say hello to me   .......

Scary John takes his clothes off

How drunk would a customer have to be in a lapdancing club to pull his trousers down, wave his willy about and ask for sex, or a handjob, or a spanking - or all of the above.
God it was embarrassing, and the only good thing to come out of it was the opportunity to nip home early.  It was a horribly slow night and i told my boss that i was very upset by the whole situation.....

But the worst thing of all was that he grabbed my wrist and I had to hit him with my handbag to get him off me.  Unfortunately I'm not living in a Soprano's episode, so the bouncers can't kick his face in.  Not that I condone violence, but its a real shame that they can't be a little more agressive sometimes, especially when someones have been a dick to me.

Oh, and who watches the cameras in the private dance booths - every bloody manager and security heavy in the club,  but only when there is a funny bit like that guy mooning at me, his white ass cheeks flashing in the video.  Another dancer did a spectacular banana skin style slip onto her bum whilst in the VIP, and they rewound it over and over in the back room, and teased the poor essex lass mercilessly for a week.....