Stripper's all over Snoop Dogg

I went to see his Dogginess himself, Snoop Dogg, yesterday for some Friday night fun at the O2 arena.  (I'm not a big fan of the huge, soulless venue which stipulates that the show ends at 11pm precisely with no encore exceptions, as I'm more into dive bars and sweaty clubs when it comes to watching live music).  But the show was a fab suprise, as I hadn't realised how many songs were his - even though I was still battling my stripper-flu, I was waggling my little bottom on the terraces for a good hour and twenty!
Snoop Dogg is synonymous with strippers, biatches, ho's, and general gyrating hotty-botty's of the female persuasion.  I hear his songs at least once a night at any stripclub I've ever worked at, whether it's his old 90's stuff or the more recent bass-thumping crowd pleasers.  He even met a bunch of my friends when he launched his new album 'Doggumentary' at Platinum Lace last May.  I loved the pictures of him surrounded by sexy dancing pals in black spandex romper suits whilst he smiled, full row of gnashers gleaming, and sat on his trademark throne.
I was planning to go to work after, but then when the concert finished at 11pm I realised that I was too late even for the late late shift, and that my stripper flu was still hanging around, like a man in a dirty mac who is nursing the last drops of beer so he can drivel at the titties on stage.  I've spoken to lots of people who have similar symptoms of exhaustion and horrible hacking coughs full of green flem, so I guess something is going around ol'London town now that the heatwave has gone and the weather is changing back to it's usual drizzly English self.
So I guess I'll just have to keep my tiny toned arse sitting on the sofa for another night till my stripper flu subsides, and if I miss the club, I'll just recreate last night with some Snoop Dogg tunage...

Advice on how to become a lapdancer in London

I've been asked recently by several readers for advice on becoming a lapdancer. I've been a stripper in London and have also worked abroad as a travelling/holidaying lapdancer. Stripper's on tour!  So it's safe to say I know the basics on becoming a stripper.  I can certainly help girls become a stripper in London.  BUT - I think many are missing the point of the job. Check out this email below;


I'm 21, moving to London just having graduated and am looking for a way to get extra cash - whether it's possible just to 'slip' in to this profession and 'slip out' easily I don't know yet! I'm confident, have never danced before, I'm very 'English', I'm pretty slim but could do with some work to be more groomed/body wise. I'm tall at 5ft 8 but look a little younger than I am. How likely am I to be accepted at a club?


Notice that a lot of the query rests on appearance.  Whilst looks are obviously key in this job, you would be suprised - you don't have to look like a supermodel to make the cut in an audition.....


My top tips are;

• Go to a couple of strip clubs first. Secrets has ladies nights occassionally, and most clubs will let girls in if accompanied by a man.  I'd recommend Platinum Lace & the Windmill if it's your first time in a stripclub and you live in London.  This is because both are based near Leicester Square so you won't feel like you are making a perverted trip to a strange part of town.  You can also hit the gay bars in nearby Soho afterwards for a masterclass in attitude and wearing heels and frocks that you really shouldn't be.
• Watch MTV and all those nasty hip hop videos.  Emulate the bump and grinds and then slow it down till you look like you are bored.  That's how to lapdance.
• Get GHDS and either straighten or curl your hair. Hairspray and backcombing are mandatory.  Then add big drop diamante earrings.
• Golden Rule 1; ALWAYS wear fake tan.  If you don't want to look like you have been tangoed, use Rimmel Sun-shimmer - ALWAYS medium shimmer, not fair or matte.  Apply to a pre-moisturised body with a mitt and don't forget your bum crack.
• Golden Rule 2: ALWAYS wear fake lashes. Think Jodie Marsh when you are applying make-up.
• AUDITIONS;  held at most clubs in the afternoons or early evenings.  They will ask you to dance 2 songs on a stage with a pole, one with your clothes on, then take your clothes off and dance in just your G-string for the 2nd song.  There will be NO-ONE in the club at that early hour, just the manager and lots of bored strippers staring at you.  So don't sweat the 'will I look ok' bit.  They've seen it all before.
• LIE;  say you've danced somewhere before.  ie: "I danced in Leeds whilst at University for a bit" - google a club before.  "It's been a while though so I'm a little nervous."  Born-again Virgins are likely to elicit more sympathy and a job when compared to a fresh off the boat newbie.
• FIRST NIGHT;  Remember stripping is about SALES.  You have to pay to work a shift and get your money back any way you can.  So practice speaking, persuasion, being pushy and smiling.
• LOOKS;  You get tall, short, chubby, flat-titted, cellulited strippers all the time.  That's why we wear fake-tan - it hides a multitude of sins.  Failing that, find a club that is too cheap to afford a decent lighting system - it'll be so dark that no-one will notice.

SMILE AND ENJOY - GOOD LUCK!!!!  


P.s.  I hope you enjoy and use my advice on how to become a lapdancer in London.  You can, of course, use my advice on becoming a stripper for anywhere, or anyone.  Remember, don't despair.  If you fail at one club, audition at another.  There are a million stripclubs in London, even more stripclubs in the UK, and LOADS of tittiejoints worldwide and if you are new to the industry, you will either be disgusted or love the experiences you have finding them out.

Would you take your girlfriend to a lapdancing club?

I think lots of London women would go to a lapdancing club like Platinum Lace.  Its sexy, naughty, fun - and you know that the loitering women with hungry eyes want your man - and can't have him.... as he's with you, and you control his wallet, ha ha ha...

I laughed as I read the Evening Standard article today

http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/lifestyle/article-23922147-would-you-ever-take-your-girlfriend-to-watch-a-lapdancer.do

In a full two page spread - accompanied with some slightly surreal shots of some dancer pals of mine, one of my favourite journalists, Simon English, grilled Simon Warr, another old pal of mine, on how he wanted to change the lapdancing industry in the UK for good - and for the better...

(God, I'm sorry if I sound totally nepotistic in the above paragraph, but really - the London lapdancing scene is fairly small and I do like reading a good newspaper article)

It worried me that in these recessionistic times the average earn of '£300-£500' a night was plastered all over the place - I usually come home with £100-150, after costs, but of course can and do earn more than that, especially on busy nights.  I feel sorry for my pals at Platinum Lace - the doors will be swinging with many an auditionee over the next week, although I'm sure the publicity will bring the customers in too.

I remember the 2003 police raids on Spearmint Rhino - it was when I was just starting as a dancer, and I thought it was normal.  It was petrifying - girl after girl disappearing with no warning, sacked for misdemeanours or soliciting or prostitution - this is what we were told by the grumpy 'little Hitler' staff, but I remember thinking, 'really? her?'  Now there have been so many faces, and so many shock stories, I don't blink an eyelid - but it whilst I understand the scare tactics used to prevent the remaining dancers to behave, its a shame that some many girls names are now tainted in my mind.  Girls who may have lent me a helping hand as I started out on my first few nights as a lapdancer....

Still though, I admire Simon Warr, who has now left Spearmint Rhino to set up his own chain of super-brand strip clubs, 'Platinum Lace'.  I've worked in his latest Piccadilly Circus flagship, and its gorgeous - I would have stayed if there had been a more regular stream of punters.

Maybe in the future, I'll go back - Simon Warr, like the journalist said, I wish you luck....

Where are all the bankers?

Last Friday the papers had the front page news I had been waiting for.

The Banker's bonuses had been announced!!! 

Ok, so they won't get their money for the next couple of months, but they find out what was in the pot and how much they are going to receive for a years hard work (ahem!), so the theory is that last Friday should have been a night of rejoicing for the 10000 bankers at Citibank say, or the 4000 at Barclays and so on.  (My figures may be off here, but I'm trying to remember the Evening Standard article whilst hungover).

Even though I was dog tired, I dargged myself into the club on Friday night.  I keep an eye on these things, as one big night with a super rich client can be worth a whole week of normal nights.  I wore my favourite, but approachable dress - not too tarty, in a pretty white lace.  My hair was carefully waved, my eyes were dark and smoky - all in all, I was a dead ringer for the girlfriend they had always wanted, a Page 3 girl next door, a true high street honey. The banker crowd want to celebrate, I thought, not get so drunk that they go for the slappiest slapper with the biggest tits and blondest hair - thats more a Saturday night, stag do crowd.

As you can tell, I had high hopes for this evening.  I just needed to look good and stay alert to the waves of guys coming through the doors, pick carefully, and pounce!

I waited

And I waited

And I waited some more.....

Midnight came, and I had still not seen even one f**ging group of City boys!!!!  

I left the club early, at around 2am, sorely disappointed.  City boys, I don't know where the hoardes of you happy boys went to celebrate your bonuses, but it is a sad day for us strippers of London when you can't even go spend some of it on a pretty lady or two.

There are further announcements planned for the remaining banks bonuses - boys, once you get your good news, remember what Lou Mannenheim says in Wall Street;

"Kid, you're on a roll. Enjoy it whilst it lasts, 'cause it never does."

Stripper migration

This past week has been hell on earth. I have friends in all the major clubs in London - spearmint rhino, stringfellows, platinum lace, for your eyes only, secrets, hustler, Mayfair,browns, parkers, even the small seedy dives in soho and the east end. If I have a couple of slow nights in a row, I call up my friends and see what the crack is. Now I'm not the type of gypsy dancer who roams around all the clubs - I've been fairly faithful to mine for a few years now. No, I just like to get a feel for how the scene is, that's all, and it's a great excuse to gossip......

Well the word on the street?

IT'S CRAP EVERYWHEREGIRLS!!!!

Yep, there were long faces and tears in quite a few changing rooms last week, with unusual consequences. A few cat fights on and off the floor, another girl blamed her new brunette look and hit the (bleach) bottle, the bouncers got heavy in asking for tips, and of course there was a stripper migration.
The stripper migration was pretty major this time too, with even a few top earners changing allegiance - stringfellows angels moonlighting as platinum lace lovelies or spearmint hustlers.... Will they stay??? Watch this space