ARRRGGHHH!!!
There are a lot of things that we don't want to hear, but the single most irritating thing is ......
is......
is......
Actually thats the point I'm trying to make. When guys are drunk, they repeat themselves, over and over, like a bloody broken record.
Case in point - last weekend I spent three hours in VIP. Fantastic, right? Think of the money, right? But the guy I was in there with, god he was SO ANNOYING.
He kept repeating, over and over, in a drunken slur "put your tits in my face...tits in my face...I want tits in my face..."
he did this for three hours non-stop. THREE HOURS!!!
Problem is, most clubs in the UK are non-contact, so we can waggle our tits near his face, around his head, jiggle the damn things wherever you want, but a UK stripper can't smash her mammaries into your face for more than a split second. Any more and the bouncer will swing by, tell off the dancer, and pull up the customer on it, thus ending our VIP/lapdance moment.
So everytime the tits moved out of the way of his face - a drunk face with slobbering tongue, drool coming down his bottom lip, and sharp little drunken teeth that wanted to bite the strippers, he'd let out a long wail "Tiiittts in my faacceeeeee". I kid you not, this was the sole reach of his conversational skills.
Luckily I wasn't alone with the guy in VIP, there were two of us girls dancing for this guy. This was excellent as he was the wandering hands type - the bouncer came in over and over to tell him to put his hands by his sides. And boy were they some hands! Not only do drunk guys repeat themselves, they also grab really, really hard. I pride myself on my lovely soft smooth skin, and hate the regularity of drunk guy's attempts to maul it. Fucking mauled! If you're gonna squeeze my leg, touch my thigh, or make a lunge for my tit, why once you make contact do you treat it like a lemon? I'm not a piece of fruit that needs squeezing and juicing, I'm a sexy woman who is trying to give an erotic show here. That's hardly likely to happen when I am yelping out in pain every five minutes.
So in the end, the other dancer and I took it in turns to hold his hands down whilst the other waggled her tits in his general direction and spoke dirty. Because he was leering at our tits we had a conversation of grimacing faces and bored WTF's over his head - literally over his head.
This went on for three hours, apart from one brief interlude which I'll reproduce here for your enjoyment;
HIM; Tits in my face, tits in my face.....
ME; Oh you want titties? Here you go.... (to other dancer) I'll take over, grab his hands.
(the other stripper and I swap positions in a sexyish fashion, telling him he's a naughty boy whilst grabbing his hands)
STRIPPER 2; OOOhh, look at those lovely titties, yummy... OWW!!! No pinching, lets be sexy, ok?
HIM; Tits in my face, I wantttt tits in my face...titssss
S2 to ME; Doesn't he ever get bored of saying that? Oy! No biting us either. Jeez, he needs a muzzle.
ME; Come on now naughty, look at my lovely titties. Look at them bouncing in your face, yummmm
S2; Ohhh booby sandwich....
ME; (here I lean forward whilst massaging my breasts and whisper into his ear) Ohhh, lovely titties, titties in your face, ohhhh lovely nice titties, look at those breasts, little pert nipples.....
S2; (whispers to me from across his head) I think your talks working, he's gone quiet. Keep talking...
ME; OOOhhhhh yeah, lovely nice titties, ohh yeah...
HIM; mmmm...SNORE......SNORE....
S2; Oh shit, he's fallen asleep. What shall we do?
ME; Leave him for a bit.
S2; But the bouncers will notice. He'll get thrown out if he's asleep.
ME; Not if we stand in the way and look like we're dancing....
(the two of us stand there swaying in front of this snoring guy for ten minutes before waking him up as if nothing had happened.....He woke up with titties in his face, and a drink being placed in his hand, and we spent another hour in VIP with him.)
So guys, what not to say to a lapdancer? Well, we've heard it all, and don't really care what you say, as long as it's not the same inane crap over and over again whilst you pinch and pull at our tight little bodies, or else we'll pull Voodoo stripper magic on you and send you to sleep.... LOLZ!!!!
There are a lot of things that we don't want to hear, but the single most irritating thing is ......
is......
is......
Actually thats the point I'm trying to make. When guys are drunk, they repeat themselves, over and over, like a bloody broken record.
Case in point - last weekend I spent three hours in VIP. Fantastic, right? Think of the money, right? But the guy I was in there with, god he was SO ANNOYING.
He kept repeating, over and over, in a drunken slur "put your tits in my face...tits in my face...I want tits in my face..."
he did this for three hours non-stop. THREE HOURS!!!
Problem is, most clubs in the UK are non-contact, so we can waggle our tits near his face, around his head, jiggle the damn things wherever you want, but a UK stripper can't smash her mammaries into your face for more than a split second. Any more and the bouncer will swing by, tell off the dancer, and pull up the customer on it, thus ending our VIP/lapdance moment.
So everytime the tits moved out of the way of his face - a drunk face with slobbering tongue, drool coming down his bottom lip, and sharp little drunken teeth that wanted to bite the strippers, he'd let out a long wail "Tiiittts in my faacceeeeee". I kid you not, this was the sole reach of his conversational skills.
Luckily I wasn't alone with the guy in VIP, there were two of us girls dancing for this guy. This was excellent as he was the wandering hands type - the bouncer came in over and over to tell him to put his hands by his sides. And boy were they some hands! Not only do drunk guys repeat themselves, they also grab really, really hard. I pride myself on my lovely soft smooth skin, and hate the regularity of drunk guy's attempts to maul it. Fucking mauled! If you're gonna squeeze my leg, touch my thigh, or make a lunge for my tit, why once you make contact do you treat it like a lemon? I'm not a piece of fruit that needs squeezing and juicing, I'm a sexy woman who is trying to give an erotic show here. That's hardly likely to happen when I am yelping out in pain every five minutes.
So in the end, the other dancer and I took it in turns to hold his hands down whilst the other waggled her tits in his general direction and spoke dirty. Because he was leering at our tits we had a conversation of grimacing faces and bored WTF's over his head - literally over his head.
This went on for three hours, apart from one brief interlude which I'll reproduce here for your enjoyment;
HIM; Tits in my face, tits in my face.....
ME; Oh you want titties? Here you go.... (to other dancer) I'll take over, grab his hands.
(the other stripper and I swap positions in a sexyish fashion, telling him he's a naughty boy whilst grabbing his hands)
STRIPPER 2; OOOhh, look at those lovely titties, yummy... OWW!!! No pinching, lets be sexy, ok?
HIM; Tits in my face, I wantttt tits in my face...titssss
S2 to ME; Doesn't he ever get bored of saying that? Oy! No biting us either. Jeez, he needs a muzzle.
ME; Come on now naughty, look at my lovely titties. Look at them bouncing in your face, yummmm
S2; Ohhh booby sandwich....
ME; (here I lean forward whilst massaging my breasts and whisper into his ear) Ohhh, lovely titties, titties in your face, ohhhh lovely nice titties, look at those breasts, little pert nipples.....
S2; (whispers to me from across his head) I think your talks working, he's gone quiet. Keep talking...
ME; OOOhhhhh yeah, lovely nice titties, ohh yeah...
HIM; mmmm...SNORE......SNORE....
S2; Oh shit, he's fallen asleep. What shall we do?
ME; Leave him for a bit.
S2; But the bouncers will notice. He'll get thrown out if he's asleep.
ME; Not if we stand in the way and look like we're dancing....
(the two of us stand there swaying in front of this snoring guy for ten minutes before waking him up as if nothing had happened.....He woke up with titties in his face, and a drink being placed in his hand, and we spent another hour in VIP with him.)
So guys, what not to say to a lapdancer? Well, we've heard it all, and don't really care what you say, as long as it's not the same inane crap over and over again whilst you pinch and pull at our tight little bodies, or else we'll pull Voodoo stripper magic on you and send you to sleep.... LOLZ!!!!
