Are you surrounded by women asking questions?

January is a slow month for most hospitality and entertainment operations, and the lapdancer's world is no exception.  In fact, it's a worse exception because we are all self-employed and have to pay out a nightly house fee which can run up to a hundred pounds a night.  It's only 5 dances, but when the club is empty, it's a hard struggle, and even the top-earning lapdancers may not make their money back every night.

So you have a bunch of bored, desperate girls, watching the clock and the door.  The moment a guy walks in, a ripple of excitement will run amongst the blonde and brunette manes, the hair will be flicked, tits rearranged, lips pouted - all in a matter of nanoseconds - before a veritable stampede of women will run towards the hapless punter, and surround him.  It's like he has a clipboard announcing who got the lead role.  Five, Six - even TEN WOMEN - around him in a circle, pushing and shoving each other for the best position, shouting out questions in a bid to initiate conversation and grab his attention.

Brunettes 3 & 7, blondes 2,4, twins 5&6 : "hello."
Brunette 1; "Hello, Where have you been tonight?"
Punter; "Wow, hello girls.  There's a lot of you tonight.
Brunette 7: "Yes hello.  Is this your first time here?"
Blonde 2: " Yeah, I don't recognise you."
Twins 5&6: " I don't know, you look familiar..."
Punter: "I've been here before, yeah, but not for a while...maybe a year ago?"
Twins 5&6: Did you play with us?
Punter: "No."
Twins 5& 6: "Did you have a good time?"
Punter: "yes, erm, I can't remember..."
Twins 5&6, Blondes 2&4: "You were drunk!"

note that the twins are getting the upper hand, the brunettes who led the first auditory charge are now lagging behind, so the blondes and brunettes are going to get anxious.


Brunette 1: "Where you from?"
Blonde 2: "You look Italian."
Brunette 3: "You look European."
Blonde 4: " Are you from America?"
Twins 5&6: "You sound English."
Blonde 4: "Have you ever been to America?"
Punter: "Er, yeah...I'm English, yes...I've been to America."
Blonde 4: "I've been to America."
Brunettes 3&7: "I've been to America.  We went together, to Miami - have you been? Whats your name?"
Punter: "I'm John."
All girls:  "Hi John!"
Brunette 1: "I'm Loretta.
Blonde 2: "I'm Tatiana. I'm from Romania." (brushes his sleeve)
Brunette 3: I'm Elena. Bulgaria.
Blonde 4: I'm Lena.
Brunette 7: I'm Tinelina. I'm from Lithuania.

As the make-up of English stripclubs is often 70% eastern European girls, this kinda scenario is not only likely  - its the norm.


Twins 5 & 6: Catherine and Caroline, we're twins.  From France.
Punter: Really? What part of France?
Twins 5 & 6: Well, French Algiers, but we lived a lot in France. On the coast.

Most dancers lies are about their age and where they are from.  But then lots of punters don't believe us even when we are telling the truth ("You're not really English...you can't be?" - this happens to me every single fricking night...)  So the lies even out really, and they are harmless little white lies anyway.


So, as you can see, if you venture into a gentleman's establishment this month you may feel like you are being interviewed in a David Lynch movie, but like Mulholland Drive - it's surreal, but still an enjoyable hour and a half of viewing pleasure.

Getting motivation is exhausting

I've been in a slump recently.
Filled from tip to toe with ennui till even my nipples could burst from boredom.
It's because I've been trying to do a writing project the fear of which has been making me run away from it.
Kinda like a literary suicide...

I've always been one for shooting myself in the pedicured foot, purposefully putting it off or giving up.

In many ways, that's why lapdancing is such a good job for me. I can put it off in so many facets;

Should I work tonight - or not?
Should I approach him - or them, or wait for another?
Should I do pole work, or just lie languidly?
Should I mention VIP or just grab a dance first in case he's scared off by the sums involved?
Should I be late or get in early?

Lapdancing is all about choices - but when you have too many options, you often end up doing nothing at all...

Stripclub Stereotypes #10 ; The Bored Stripper

Every lapdancer can be categorised as a 'bored stripper' at some point in their life - or even a shift.
You've all seen them - groups of bored looking girls grouped around the bar, the dark corners, the edges of the club - waiting patiently for customers to come along.  The bored stripper will be staring into space, playing with her hair, twiddling with the straw in her glass, staring with glassy eyes at the stage where, perhaps, another bored stripper stands slowly  swinging her hips.
Watching a bored stripper on stage is depressingly painful to watch.  If she looks like she is waiting for a bus, occasionally pulling off an item of clothing - just tugging it down if she can get away with it - the bare minimum to get her tits out - then she's bored.  A bored stripper on stage will also move with the least effort possible - akin to a stripper sloth, perhaps with a half-hearted twirl thrown in to stop her dying of boredom.
The bored stripper watching is in a state of half-sleep.  She's hibernating, one eye on the door, like a snake in it's hole.  She's all coiled up, waiting to pounce, but there is no-one there, just an empty club with booming music reverberating round the empty seats.
Bored strippers have been known to wait for two, three hours a night, especially right now, the slow, slloooooww evenings of August, as everyone is either a) on holiday or b) don't want to sit in the dark looking at girls when they can ogle at them for free in the park.  This is the month when there may be more girls than customers for the majority of the evening - or worse, the whole night.  This is the month when the doors get cobwebs, tumbleweed rolls across the empty floor, and the glasses get polished over and over by the equally bored barman.  All the conversations have been had twice this week already, and the gossip only lasts till nine, ten o'clock, so the dancers fall mute and stare into space, daydreaming of VIP.
It's easy to spot a bored stripper - the problem is that as soon as she spots you, she isn't bored anymore.  She turns into the predatory stripper, and you my friend, are her prey as soon as you step through the door.