How to choose the perfect 'long dress' for gentleman's club auditions

Last week I received an email from a lovely girl who wanted to get into lapdancing, but was confused by what the club meant by 'long dress'.

"What about the clubs, where they say you need to wear an evening dress? What does it mean? Is it so posh? Do I really have to wear long dress?"

I remember back in the day when I first rang up a gentleman's club and asked about their auditioning process.  They insisted on 'long dresses', which my newbie brain found thoroughly confusing.  Surely an exotic dancer wore as little as possible, with easily removable teeny-weeny string binkini's and thongs that disappeared up their jiggling bottoms? 

My entire back-catalogue of lapdancing experience came from watching 'Showgirls' which isn't even about stripping per se but is set in Vegas; "I'm a dancer!" cries Naomi Malone.
If you have never seen this cult classic buy it immediately it's the purest example of something so awful, so bad, that it's good. Here's an Amazon link Showgirls [BLU-RAY] [UNCUT VERSION] [DUTCH IMPORT]  
For now, here's a clip because I can't help this guilty pleasure....

But if you are ready to follow in Showgirl's footsteps, what does a girl wear?

A long dress when you are a lapdancer is basically a dress that has all or part of it falling below your knee.  The rest of it can look like a spider-web of tiny gossamer thin strands that leaves little to the imagination, but it must have one tiny strand falling down one leg till it hovers just above your ankle.  Strange but true.

A decent 'long stripping outfit' is a key part of any dancers wardrobe. With this a girl will be able  to audition at any club in the country, and will be able to start work immediately or continue working if the club changes the rules overnight.  I have lost count of the number of times a gentleman's club has relaxed the rules on dress-code, only to tighten them up again 6 months later as the girls look too sleazy or the management changes.  Many girl's initially scream with glee when the rules get relaxed as we prefer miniskirts to ballgowns,  but woe betide the dancer who throws away her long dresses as 'she doesn't need them anymore.' WRONG!

So what makes a great lapdancer outfit? It must be very flattering on the girl, comply with the club's dress code and be easy to take off in a graceful and sexy manner.

  

This lapdancer dress is from a British company "SassyAss" specialising in pole dancing outfits with a fantastically Sassy sounding name just like me! Either my blog name wasn't as original as I thought it was or there's something about stripping and sassiness that just goes together like a horse and carriage and love and marriage.
Anyway, this is your standard dancer's dress. It's a nice bright colour so you stand out amongst all the other girls, you can get away with no bra or stick a nice padded cleavage enhancing bra underneath if you want. I've had this dress style several times before in red and purple and they were great to dance in.
For true sassiness, I'd suggest a bra in a contrasting colour - hot pink perhaps, or black.  Most lapdancer's only match their outfits to their lingerie when it's black and more black, or it's fantasy night. Taste goes out of the window the rest of the time as we like to stand out from the crowd.

If a bright dress like this seems a bit daunting, a good long dress would be something like this one.  I really like wearing dresses with well-positioned cut-outs and a thigh high slash - they move really well and feel a bit  S & M dominatrix-ish.

This 'Tiger' dress comes in black as well, and would look great with some sheer black stockings and some bling jewellery.  I've had a similar one before, and it fell really nicely whether I was posing on the stage or sat down talking to a customer - it's revealing, but not overly so.

If you are a girl lucky enough to be blessed with a really fabulous pair of tits, or perhaps you have just had a boob-job and want to show those beauties off to the world, then you need a dress that drapes around your cleavage but won't let your tits flop out all over the place when you move.

If you want to cover up a little, but still want to show off your gorgeous curves, wear a well cut number like the red one below which comes in a slinky fabric - very tactile for those guys who have itchy fingers and like to stroke a girl.

Finally, if you are tall and gorgeous, with great collarbones and face, and especially if you have very long hair or a short pixie crop, then trust me - wear a body-stocking style dress in a sheer or lace fabric.  It's a lot of fabric, so it can be a bit restricting, so not good if you want to really rock the pole tricks, but I've seen men go ga-ga for girls who wear a bodystocking tube dress like the ones below;

I hope that this post solves the enigma which is the 'long dress'.  Remember that this is a uniform, and will be crucial to how customers - and the management & girls - perceive you.
As a general rule of thumb; Black =classy, colours=fun, fishnet or cutouts=slutty


A good dress will last a girl for many, many shifts - I've got dresses that are over five years old, other's that have been handed down to me by dancer's leaving the business.  They are worth the money and investment, even if the initial outlay seems a little pricey at first - you will make it back.  Try looking in local markets or the high street, but if you really want to look like a dancer, and have a dress that looks good when you are moving about  on stage, in a booth, or VIP, I suggest that you buy from a proper stripping supplier (the ones above, bar Blue Banana, are all lapdancer-orientated companies).

Of course dancer's also wear short dresses, but I will address that in a future post.

Happy Shopping and Dancing; Good Luck with the Auditions Girls!!!

How to pick up a lapdancer

It must be on every man's bucket list to pick up a lapdancer. Hell, I've even met students of The Game and Rules of the Game who bring in their classes to use us girls as target practice.

But how does a guy chat up a stripper? And I don't mean swap numbers and business cards so that she calls you up and gets you to become one of her regulars, or puts you on the club mailing list.

I'm talking about a real life, meet-out-of-the-club scenario, which perhaps progresses to second or third base … or the kind of magical night where you hit a home run and you and the deliciously hot and horny exotic dancer have wild freaky sex all night long...

I've thought about this and have come up with my top ten points and advice on courting a lady of the night...

Firstly, a disclaimer. It is against club policy to date customers, and many clubs don't even like you telling guys your real name or any personal details. So when a lapdancer is 'lying' to you, she is probably just doing it to toe the club line and keep her job.

As a Stripper PUA (Pick.Up.Artist), you should make understanding the dancers situation your bottom line. Would you risk your job to get laid?

Well would you????

So picking up a lapdancer is breaking every rule in the book – so whilst Miss Sassy Lapdancer here does not condone this kind of illicit and exciting scenario, I will offer a few pointers...

• Be NICE Buy the girl a drink. Give her a few compliments, just casually dropped into the conversation. Look her in the eyes, not stare directly at her tits.
• Compliments; Here you have to be clever. Some girls have real hang-ups about bits of their bodies, whereas other girls are so used to getting complimented on certain areas that they find it a turn-off. These bodily bits are generally the men's favourite erogenous zones, such as tits, legs and bottoms. On top of this, we fuss about our hair and eyes so much in the changing room that whilst we like getting compliments about our hair and eyes, we may also be expecting it. A clever guy will compliment a girl on a more unusual feature. Personally, I go gooey a la' Fifty Shades of Grey when a man tells me “Don't bite your bottom lip – It's very distracting”.

Try saying that;

a girl's hands look beautiful with her bracelets and rings, that her eyebrows frame her face perfectly, her shoes look great on her legs, her luscious brunette locks remind you of Cheryl Cole/ Kate Middleton. She just blushed a little and it was really sweet, you like the faraway look in her eyes when she discusses holidays, she has a beautiful back. (don't massage it if you are heavy handed though... or drunk. That will just cause me pain and I need my body to work!)

• Compliment No-No's; Reader's of The Game and Rules of the Game will know all about 'negative' hits – backhanded compliments such as 'your hair is cute, it reminds me of a mullet'. A few of these can be a great way to break the ice and make the conversation funny, but too many and you will seem like a dick. Be nice (see above)
• Raise your Standards; You are trying to successfully pull a hot, sexy, cool woman who gets chatted up every night, so make sure you fit the bill yourself. Dancer's like hot guys, cool musician types, guys with a decent job and salary, - but the key thing is not to smell, please shave off any extraneous body hair, don't wear dorky clothes, and just exude an air of cool confidence. Most guys I date are people who work late shifts like me – so if you are a bouncer, bartender, or drug dealer reading this, I am sure that you have already dated several strippers. Freelancers, chefs, and people in creative industries are great for dating – if you are a 9-5er, understand that if I go on a date, I may be taking a night off work for you, so make it special.
• Choose your time carefully Come when it's slow, like a Sunday, Monday or Tuesday shift. Note when the girls change from daytime to evening shift – a hungry day girl may take you up on your offer of dinner when her shift ends. Or have an after-hours party lined up (NOT in your hotel room). Or even better than a party - have an all-night breakfast place lined up.  Any lapdancer worth her salt will be ravenously hungry after dancing for 8 hours for a pack of drooling zombies baying round a stage.
• Bring a friend If you go to a stripclub on your own, the dancer will see you as a proper perverted punter, or a sad and lonely bugger. I'd bring a friend or two – a wingman, or even better, a wingman AND a wingwoman. Then they can both big you up, and say what a nice guy you are.
• Can I bring a friend? Look, I'm sure you are not an axe-wielding rapist, but it's still scary meeting up with a guy, especially at 3am in the morning when you have been staring at my naked form all night. So if you invite me on somewhere, expect me to bring company – well at least it will be hot company, as I'll bring one of my fellow dancers. However, if you are inviting me to a club or houseparty, and I bring a waiter or bartender along as part of my entourage, don't moan – just graciously accept it & buy him a beer. If I wanted to sleep with the staff, I would have done it already, capiche?
• Shooting fish in a barrel It's very hard to chat me up at work. It's hard to chat me up period, because if I like you, I've probably already started initiating a future hook-up before you even know that Cupid's love bolt is heading your way. So if you are the kind of douchebag who wants to chat up a dancer for kicks, stick to the new girls and amateurs, as they will prove less resistant to your charms. If you want to spot a new girl, ask the barstaff, DJ or just watch them on stage – you can spot a new girl from a mile off as their stage-sets are less polished even though you can see she is really trying to appear sexy whilst twiddling round the pole. The old-timers are usually the girls who look really really good, or really, really bored.
• Have a pen in your pocket. Well, I'm not going to ask a manager or waitress for a biro if I want to give you my number am I, and running off to the changing room isn't an option when another dancer will just swoop into my place as soon as I vacate my seat.
• Remember this is my JOB and my WORKPLACE I'm not even going to delve into detail on this startling obvious fact, but if I swung by your office and took up all your time chasing your digits, you would find me very annoying....

So there is my advice on successfully chatting up a lapdancer. Memorise and learn from my pearls of exotic dancer wisdom, or cut out and keep this how to ten point plan on pulling a lapdancer.

In my own life, my #dateadancer week has obviously taken longer than a week, but I hope you have been enjoying my posts. I'm finishing off my date a dancer series with 'How to date a dancer' followed by 'How to dump a dancer' – advice there on the full spectrum and love lives of us exotic young ladies. Please look around my blog and check out these posts.

Personally, I have got several dates lined up this week with cute guys, one who is a friend of a friend but two are guys I met in the club (on different nights – I'm not a slag!) I've kissed two of them but haven't seen any sparks fly yet, and haven't had sex for three weeks now, which means I am rule-breakingly horny at work :)

See you in the VIP booth xoxo Sassy

How to date a stripper

What's it like dating a dancer like me?

Amazeballs! Totes Fabulous Sweedie...... Ok, so I'm biased.

So when I wanted to find out what it's like to date a lapdancer, I went and asked a guy who's been there/done that, and can provide some perspective from a man's point of view.

One of my readers obliged, thank god, although I may bite the bullet and interview one of my ex-boyfriends (one day, when I grow some balls).

'Rob' has been with his partner for 4 years. She has been dancing in UK for 2 years.  They live together in London, where he has a normal job whilst his girlfriend dances.

She works at various clubs in London and surrounds. Rob explained "Employment wise they are quite good but before they were terrible. As she is from the developing world, employment rights arent high on her list of needs. That part is my imput.


Best Bit About being with a stripper

1 Shes obviously hot

2 She stays hot as her job is physical

3 The peace and quiet / independence of free weekends

4 That she earns very good money, in cash



Worst Parts about being with a Lapdancer

1 Constantly hearing "xxx made twice as much, am I ugly"

2 Being alone going to bed every night

3 Lying to your family / friends about what she does. (Im a good liar though so its not that big an issue)

4 The employment rights, which are appaling



Do you go to Lapdancing Clubs?

In the UK, on stag dos only. Its too expensive in the UK and I know too much. Overseas, yes.

I believe Im more lapdancing experienced than most men (i would be a wallet watcher in your terminology)



Was your girlfriend a lapdancer when you met her?

Yes



Would you describe yourself as jealous?

No. If you are jealous then I dont think a stripper is the best choice of girlfriend



Does she have sex with customers?

No, but she constantly moans that men ask her all the time.

She also tells me about colleagues who are "dirty", or girls "who must be dirty as they are so ugly/ fat"



How do you know she isnt lying to you?

I trust her, and shes rubbish at lying.
Sassy's note; I'm unbelievably crap at lying to boyfriends, friends and family, although ironically I am way above average when it comes to lying to strangers and punters. When I am in the club, I could lie for Britain!!!

What do you think about when she is at work?

Whatever I'm doing. I genuinely don't think about what she is doing.
Are you worried about safety?

Clubs seem very safe, she isn't worried. Security is strong, she has a regular taxi driver and never says anything about danger at work
You're with a lapdancer, your sex life must be amazing?

erm no, when you work in the sex industry you dont bring it home. I understand that and make concessions.

I'm not with her for the sex.


Do you get to meet her friends?

Sometimes, I give them lifts and maybe meet for a coffee to ask things.

She does have hot friends, but when I see them they are tired and in normal clothes. Most strippers dont walk down the street in fur coats, stockings and high heels.

What does she say about her work?

Mostly its busy / quiet, or moaning about wankers / being happy about customers who have lots of dances, or telling me something funny that happened, or what other girls have said. She is constantly surprised by things the Brazilian or East European girls say
Does she ever tell you about good looking customers?

Occasionally, if a young lad comes in who fits her type. She will tell me he was hot, and how much money he gave her, if he smelled nice and ask me why he goes lapdancing. Shes not with me for my looks btw.

Has she ever danced for girls?

Yes, but she didnt tell me as much detail about that as I hoped
What do you think about her regular customers?

I am happy for them that they like my girlfriend, they have good taste. I'm also happy that they give her lots of money for not doing very much other than talk to them. Most of them seem to treat her as a surrogate girlfriend / wife and just like the company of a pretty young girl. If I was them I would find a more rewarding solution to my problem, but each to their own.
I have texted them for her, or helped her with answers when they text. I wasn't happy about them giving her her number at the start, but its in my name so I'm not worried.

How could your life as a lapdancer boyfriend be improved?

More daytime dancing and less nights

Always that my gf would be the prettiest & highest earning girl in every club

A semblance of employment rights for strippers

That all customers would be generous when sober

Free dances from her friends reciprocated amongst all boyfriends


What advice would you give punters who want to go out with a lapdancer?

Treat the girls as normal girls, not charity cases or reprobates in need of reform

Be normal and 2 of these 4 things - good looking, smart, nice smelling, generous / and or nice

Never be drunk, boring, lecherous or obnoxious

Remember that money is only wages to the girls. If your going to try to impress by being rich, you had better be filthy rich.

How would you pull a lapdancer?

If you really like a girl, note when the girls are busy and not busy. She might like you, but if theres money to be made and you're not giving it her then she needs to get on with her job. If its quiet, there's no dances to be had, and you're good company and a little bit generous then who knows?

Dont assume she will sleep with you just because of her job.

Always pay for dances.

And finally, if she asks you for money for anything other than a dances, she isn't interested.
What advice would you give a stripper boyfriend?

Always be open and ask as many question as you need to trust your partner

Never go and watch her dance, just as you wouldn't expect your partner to come and watch you work

Be understanding that its a dirty job, and that she needs support about her looks / personality.

Learn to sleep with earplugs so she doesnt wake you up when she comes in at daft oclock

Pick 1 lie and stick to it regards her employment.

How to give a lapdance

Possibly the most important skill in a lapdancer's arsenal, or possibly the most over-rated.

Lapdancing = dancing whilst removing items of clothing, usually with at least one person watching.

It's the stuff of nightmares for many, but for born exhibitionists like me, it's the stuff of dreams...

But how do you strip like an exotic dancer?  Here are some tips on giving a lapdance

1. Eye contact   Look deeply into the eyes of your audience. Wink a little, flirt coquettishly with fluttering lashes.  Single one man out and look directly at him.  Make them feel like they are the only man, woman, or perve in the room. Back away a little if you please, so he can see all of you, and look back into those beautiful baby blues.  But please remember this isn't a staring match, so don't freak onlookers out with a beady eyed stare of death....
2. Bent knees   Keeping your knees bent is crucial when giving a lapdance, as it brings your jiggling booty to his crotch ie: you are on his lap.  It also makes your bottom stick out more, increases the freedom of movement, and hell, you can always just pretend you are at Carnival.
3. Forget the fastenings   Don't sweat the bra-straps, zips, knicker elastics and ribbon ties of this world.  Yes, they will get caught, stuck, and prove damn fiddly just when you least expect it.  If you can, ask your audience for help - most will be happy to oblige, and it will create a rapport and waste time (hurrah!)  Or else flop a breast out, shove your tits in his face, and whilst he is distracted, you are free to sort the offending fastening out. 
4. Breathe, Smile, Think SEX!     It will show in your lapdance if you are fantasising about Brad Pitt going down on you whilst you are fed chocolate covered strawberries by Orlando Bloom. If you want to dance sexy, you have to think sexy.  And please don't get so nervous that you stop breathing, begin to shake and burst into tears.  I've seen it happen with the new girls.  Just think Hollywood heart throb, and not 'does he like me, how big is my bum?'
5. Slow Down... Slow, sensual movements are great.  Pretend the chair is an ardous mountain, not a jungle-monkey climbing frame. Go slowly, not jerky. (unless we are talking bum wiggling, in which case you can go like the clappers!)

So, I hope you like my top 5 tips for giving a guy a lapdance.  Follow these tips and you could be wearing a binbag and he'll like it.  Aww, bless.  Men.  They can be so simple sometimes, hey?     

Dating a lapdancer - an ebook? Really?

OMG I am creasing up with laughter here on this crisp London winter stripper morning (thats lunchtime for you normal 9-5ers)

I just found an ebook that teaches YOU GUYS how to date STRIPPERS!!!!

It's one of those super long, rolling screens that takes ages to scroll down, offering EXTRA'S & DON'T MISS THIS malarky, before you finally reach the bottom and it offers a 100page ebook of awesomeness for twenty bucks.

I'm seriously laughing so hard in shock that something like this even exists.  I mean WTF? What kind of creamed corniness can be found within it's sacred pages of advice on chatting up a lapdancer? Is there a book on dating pornstars too? Chatting up your nurse as you go for a routine check?

Have I dated men I've met in the club? Of course I bloody well have, it's the law of averages that if you chat to ten/twenty/fifty different men every night, one day you will meet a guy that you like.  But I usually have really short term affairs with guys I meet in the club - they just never seem to work out.  A few dates, a quick shag or two, maybe even a little weekend away, and 'poof!' the magic disappears, we are both bored, the fantasy crumbles, and I'm back on my own two feet.

I'm researching dating advice for being the partner or husband of a lapdancer because I want to write an exhaustive series of posts on the topic.  I've been collating emails from several friends of mine, readers of this blog, and even (eek!) old boyfriends of my own, just so that I can get a mens perspective.  Some makes painful reading, other emails has had me laughing out loud!  I'm also checking a few of my favourite bloggers thoughts on the topic - Angry Stripper, for example, has a really funny post and comments war going on.

So basically, do you have any thoughts on the topic? Either drop a few comments here on the blog or email me sassylapdancer@hotmail.com

Thats dating advice or experiences, not invitations for the 6:30 show at the Odeon cinema boys....

Happy 2012!!

Stripped - too right there!

So I've been pouring over the recent book by `Jennifer Hayashi Dann & Sandrine Levique'
on the UK lapdancing industry- and its ties with the sex industry in the UK in general.
As I mentioned a few posts ago, I was worried it may be harrowing stuff which put me off my profession, and you know what? It is.

Score of women have rolled up to give their two bob bit and I empathise with so many elements of their problems its scary. I'll be posting a review later this week, but so far? It's scarily food for thought....
I already feel worried enough turning up to strip - what if a manager or co-worker found out I had this blog? Would I be seen as a bad influence - a whistle blower? Would I get sacked? I don't know if I am prepared to lose my job for a few scribbled down words.  As regular readers will know, I don't shit-stir, I don't name-drop, I don't moan in explicit detail about my nights at work, the guys I get naked for, the girls I do it for or the managers I tip out each night.  I just generally try and use this as an outlet for my little pieces on the stripclub industry - hell, the sex industry in London in general - I am classed as a sex worker by the government after their ruling a few year back now - anyway, I just like to write on what it is like to be a stripper in London and my thoughts on London's sex industry.
Still, the book Stripped: The Bare Reality of Lap Dancing
paints such a negative picture of exotic dancers and the attitudes that they are faced with that I am glad I have this blog, because in its own miniscule way I can be a voice for all the lap dancers out there who enjoy their jobs, who work in nice clubs, and feel that they are doing a service to mankind itself.
There, I've said it.  I'm a girl providing a service of full-blown, 5 star entertainment.  I'm a stripper. I get your rocks off.  For money. So there.
Just please, if you are my boss, don't figure out who I am and sack me.  I'm not a dancer with a malicious bone in her body - my bones are rather flexible, and tanned and trim at that.  I'm just a girl, who like anybody else, has days where she loves her profession pathway, days where she hates her job, but please don't get scared by my stripper diary.
It's as harmless as a single lapdance..... you can always have one... no1 will notice....

Lap Dancing jobs - are they really proper employment?

"So what do you do for your day job?"
One of the most common questions I get asked - or a variation thereof;

"What are you going to do in the future? After this? When you can't do this anymore?"
"What field do you work in when you are not here?"
"You can't be a stripper forever you know..."

I'm sorry. You ask me that question, night after night, and quite frankly, I find it insulting.  Lap dancing is proper employment.  I have to pull an 8 hour shift - its a full 9 to 5, give or take the clocking in times, and I am potentially rostered to work every day of the week in many of the big London clubs - thats right, Monday thru to Sunday, ad infinitum.  What other industries have the crazy working hours that a stripper can? Frontline frickin services matey.... Lap dancing venues are often open seven days a week, from lunchtime till the early hours of the morning - Secrets is open till an eyeball bursting 6am! If you are ever desperate for naked women in the middle of the night, they have venues all over goddamn town (see here)

I got asked this today, when I was soooo tired - and thats just from doing a weeks work at my strip club. I've worked every night apart from Sunday and the Strike action yesterday till the sun came up.  yeah, so some nights I've been home by 4am, but mostly I have shut my eyes as the birds were crowing and the traffic was building.
I've been reading that book that was published recently by Danns and Sandrine, and its full of women complaining that their hard work and long hours are not recognised as valid by society, even though 'raunch culture' is encouraged (you can see a really interesting review of it here by a feminist book reviewer)

Well look everybody.  Whilst I might say to your face that I am studying/caring/being a PA - that being an exotic dancer is just a stepping stone to new and bigger things -  I'm telling you now, I'm in this for the long term.  As I've said a million times boefore, I like my job, I like lapdancing, I think it is a great profession if you approach it with the right attitude.  No job is perfect, and neither are there perfect customers. Besides, with the economy as it is, the job market sluggish, and youth and graduate un-employment rising, why not capitalise on my strong sales skills and good looks by providing a second to none service?

Besides, if my contemporaries can't get a job, wouldn't it be greedy of me to take up two or more???

Getting the right stripper look for each stripclub

An exotic dancer's job is based on looks.  Yeah, sales and attitude come into it, but the right look is key.  That doesn't mean that a girl needs a boobjob, or fake tan, or locks as blonde as Rapunzel.  But it's important to realise that you need the right look - the right look for the night, the right look for the guys coming in, the guys you want to attract, and for the club itself.

Firstly, if you don't have the right look for the club then they won't hire you, or they'll perhaps tell you to sharpen up before your inaugural shift.  That's what happened to me in my first dancing job - I was being hired as a hostess but they said I looked too young.  It's true - I looked proper jailbait at 18/19 years old.

Secondly, it's nice to fit in.  The girls in any club will always look at you a bit funny when you first start - but that's the same as anyplace, right? New school, new office, new pub...  Well whilst it's nice to stand out and look special - perhaps be the only redhead, have the biggest breasts, the shakiest arse, the longest, thickest hair - you still have to make sure that you rock the look which is THE LOOK for you.

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, what works for someone - or somewhere - or sometime - else, may not work all the time.  If you are auditioning for an upmarket club, then make sure you look like you take care of yourself.  You have to be immaculate.  No visible roots on those highlights.  Some nice shiny diamante jewellery.  

Your clients will be expecting girls to have a certain look - if its a busy club full of lads on the lash, channel a lads mag pin-up and throw in a few fantasy outfits for good measure.  If its busy midweek attracting business clients, then look groomed - the girlfriend that got away, the supermodel they lust after on billboards, that cute girl from the front desk.  A little black dress, stockings, whoosh those GHDs over your hair.  Turning up on a Tuesday looking like a streetwalker with patent boots and pillarbox red lips may sound like it will make you money, but in reality many men will just be scared off.

If you are feeling downbeat, make your look safe.  Lock-up any outfits which look cheap, hold bad associations, or feel tatty.  Bring out those old favourites, and perhaps cheer yourself up with some new jewellery or expensive lingerie.  A pair of stockings from Walford can be bought from Selfridges for £20, a fancy diamante ring that makes you smile every time you look at it costs under a tenner from anywhere on the high street.

if you are on stage a lot, invest in the ultimate stripper thong.  Yes you read that right - THE ULTIMATE LAP DANCER G-STRING, the kind which blows all those other butts on stage away.  AWAY!  In picking a thong, you have several considerations;

• BRIGHT ; make your thong so bright that it shines from 50 yards away - because that's how far from your naked booty your customer is sitting.  Get your dancer pal to order a drink form the bar and watch you on stage. If she is not blinded, the thong is wrong. Flouro or crystals need to be maxed.
• DIAMANTE - Look, crystals catch the light, and you will be standing in lots and lots of spot lights when you are on stage, so ignore the chafe and Swarovski your arse. Your spangly crotch will thank you for it once those notes start getting shoved in the elastic...
• CURVES I really don't understand all these thong coming onto the market that go straight across your bum. It makes even the most well toned exotic dancer look flabby and fat. Buy the dental floss that curves up, or for the very least, pull it up across your butt cheeks.
• BUM BUM BUM I've given a million lap dances, and men fall into two camps with me.  They are either an ass or a tit man.  So why so many lapdancers pay no attention to their pants is beyond me.  Pay attention to your pants! If you are tired, bored, need to pick your nose, cough, yawn, or all of the above, you will need to turn around and wiggle your butt. So make your arse a joy to see. 
• PROLONGING LAP DANCES Look, this is easy-peasy - the longer it takes for you to strip, the bigger likelihood that you will get a 2nd or more lap dance.  Thats another 20 in your pocket. So play with those panties.
• LABELS Please for the love of Bacchus (God of Debauchery), pretty please, cut the bloody labels out of your pants.  Stripper pants have a lot of wear and tear, and a short shelf life, so if you haven't bought a job lot from the outfit guys that pop up occasionally, a dancer is more likely o wear Primark than La Perla.  Just cut the label out so that the guy who just dropped a grand on you in VIP doesn't think 'CHEAP!'  He wants to stare at your beautiful curves, not the fruits of child labour....

If your look is not working, check out what the top-earners are doing.  And copy it. 

Well they do say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, right?

Advice on how to become a lapdancer in London

I've been asked recently by several readers for advice on becoming a lapdancer. I've been a stripper in London and have also worked abroad as a travelling/holidaying lapdancer. Stripper's on tour!  So it's safe to say I know the basics on becoming a stripper.  I can certainly help girls become a stripper in London.  BUT - I think many are missing the point of the job. Check out this email below;


I'm 21, moving to London just having graduated and am looking for a way to get extra cash - whether it's possible just to 'slip' in to this profession and 'slip out' easily I don't know yet! I'm confident, have never danced before, I'm very 'English', I'm pretty slim but could do with some work to be more groomed/body wise. I'm tall at 5ft 8 but look a little younger than I am. How likely am I to be accepted at a club?


Notice that a lot of the query rests on appearance.  Whilst looks are obviously key in this job, you would be suprised - you don't have to look like a supermodel to make the cut in an audition.....


My top tips are;

• Go to a couple of strip clubs first. Secrets has ladies nights occassionally, and most clubs will let girls in if accompanied by a man.  I'd recommend Platinum Lace & the Windmill if it's your first time in a stripclub and you live in London.  This is because both are based near Leicester Square so you won't feel like you are making a perverted trip to a strange part of town.  You can also hit the gay bars in nearby Soho afterwards for a masterclass in attitude and wearing heels and frocks that you really shouldn't be.
• Watch MTV and all those nasty hip hop videos.  Emulate the bump and grinds and then slow it down till you look like you are bored.  That's how to lapdance.
• Get GHDS and either straighten or curl your hair. Hairspray and backcombing are mandatory.  Then add big drop diamante earrings.
• Golden Rule 1; ALWAYS wear fake tan.  If you don't want to look like you have been tangoed, use Rimmel Sun-shimmer - ALWAYS medium shimmer, not fair or matte.  Apply to a pre-moisturised body with a mitt and don't forget your bum crack.
• Golden Rule 2: ALWAYS wear fake lashes. Think Jodie Marsh when you are applying make-up.
• AUDITIONS;  held at most clubs in the afternoons or early evenings.  They will ask you to dance 2 songs on a stage with a pole, one with your clothes on, then take your clothes off and dance in just your G-string for the 2nd song.  There will be NO-ONE in the club at that early hour, just the manager and lots of bored strippers staring at you.  So don't sweat the 'will I look ok' bit.  They've seen it all before.
• LIE;  say you've danced somewhere before.  ie: "I danced in Leeds whilst at University for a bit" - google a club before.  "It's been a while though so I'm a little nervous."  Born-again Virgins are likely to elicit more sympathy and a job when compared to a fresh off the boat newbie.
• FIRST NIGHT;  Remember stripping is about SALES.  You have to pay to work a shift and get your money back any way you can.  So practice speaking, persuasion, being pushy and smiling.
• LOOKS;  You get tall, short, chubby, flat-titted, cellulited strippers all the time.  That's why we wear fake-tan - it hides a multitude of sins.  Failing that, find a club that is too cheap to afford a decent lighting system - it'll be so dark that no-one will notice.

SMILE AND ENJOY - GOOD LUCK!!!!  


P.s.  I hope you enjoy and use my advice on how to become a lapdancer in London.  You can, of course, use my advice on becoming a stripper for anywhere, or anyone.  Remember, don't despair.  If you fail at one club, audition at another.  There are a million stripclubs in London, even more stripclubs in the UK, and LOADS of tittiejoints worldwide and if you are new to the industry, you will either be disgusted or love the experiences you have finding them out.

Sex life advice from Stripper Mum

Stripper Mum and I (yes, I know I wrote a post on stripper stereotypes based around stripper mums, and this yummy mummy was my main influence - these people do exist. This isn't a made-up blog written by a balding 40-something in Kentucky, you know. Luckily, this stripper mum is happily shacked-up with the baby daddy, but she still rocks a body like a porn star.  ).  Anyhow, Stripper Mum and I were chatting away the other day as we waited for the club to fill up, sipping away at a glass of wine to get us in the mood.  As it was a slow start to the night, we ended up talking for over an hour and she came out with some super funny shit.

"so when i was pregnant, I was so fat that I couldn't even get down there. I've never been so hairy in my life, but at least I couldn't see the swollen hairy jungle between my legs. You can sort of scrape it, but it's dangerous to be using a razor blade near your baby bump, ya' know?  And you can't manoeuver a dick there either.  My husband, bless him, must have got so horny.  At first you stop having sex, because you are are so big, it's hard to balance, and you are worried about hurting the baby.  So I started giving him blowjobs, but soon they had to stop, because I just couldn't balance myself and have a cock in my mouth at the same time.  The bump was in the way whatever I tried. The last few months of my pregnancy I was wanking him off, and it was so fucking boring.  Up down, up down, I used to stick porn on and fastforward to the cum shots so that he would hurry up."
I laughed at stripper mum, "I get so bored wanking people off sometimes.  I think oh, whats on the telly, or I forgot to buy any milk."
"Nah, it wasn't like that.  I wanted to have it off with him. It was boring because that was literally the only thing we could fucking do.  We'd both be horny, and it was like, oh, what can we do now? Oh yeah, I've ballooned like a whale and can only use my hands.  Even after I'd had the baby I was still all fat - took ages to get our sex life back."