The Love Life of a Lapdancer

She stares into your eyes after you've asked the question, before shyly playing with a strand of her hair.
"Do I have a boyfriend? With this job? Are you kidding?"

So how many lapdancer's really are single and available?

If you walk into a club as a punter and ask all the girls this question, most of the dancer's will say that they are single, with a few lovers on the side.  Some may even say that they are lesbian - and do you want to see her dancing with their girlfriend, who is just over there?

Luckily for you, I have behind the scenes access, and can tell you the truth of what really goes on in the love lives of lapdancer's today.  Here is what I have learnt.... some stereotypical, much of it is very surprising.

Lets base it on your average stripclub in a big English city, such as London, Birmingham or Bournemouth.  

There will be 70 girls working on a busy Thursday night.

• 40 girls will be from Eastern European countries.  The Romanians will probably have a husband or baby back at home - they will also be devoutly Catholic and only return home for a huge celebration of religious holidays ie: Easter, Christmas.  
• The Polish, Latvian, Bulgarian and  Russian girls are more of a mixed bunch.  They will probably have boyfriends who are living in the UK, that they met here. 
• 3 girls will be Asian.  They will probably be dating an English man - there is something about 'yellow fever' which will grip a man and make him an incredibly enamoured boyfriend, many Asian girls will get spoilt rotten by their boyfriends, lucky things!
• 5 girls will be from Brazil, and will be single or casually dating either a fellow Latino they met here on one of their many nights out.  Brazilians like to party!!
• There will be two Australian girls, who are single and ready to mingle, if they get a chance in-between jetting off on weekend breaks all over Europe.
• There will be 2 girls from the Caribbean, they will have some funny stories about the dodgy guys they have dated back home but will generally be wary of spreading the love around too much.
• There will be 2 girls from Africa, they will be single but are waiting for someone special...
• As will the single Indian girl. Stripclubs never seem to have more than one Indian girl, I guess they don't see it as a viable career choice...
• There will be 5 English girls who are dating muscly men - a security doorman or a boxer. 
• There will be 3 English girls who have adorable kids at home.
• There will be 5 English girls who have really messed up and twisted relationships with psychotic guys, and they will spend half the night screaming down the phone at the good for nothing, who they suspect is seeing another girl behind their back.  Think TOWIE.
• There will be 3 girls, of any nationality, who are obsessed with footballers.
• Of the Eastern Europeans, 10 of the 40 will not have had sex for at least 3 months. 
• In fact, out of the 70 girls, I'd say 25 would not have had sex for at least 3 months.  I frequently meet dancers who have not had sex for a year or more....
• Oh, and there will be 2 lesbians.  Usually with a butch girl waiting at home, as a lapdancer is quite femme, dontcha think?

So there you have it - observed, as if I was David Attenborough himself in a G-string, the dating habits and mating rituals of the lesser spotted lapus dancerus as observed in an intense and lengthy study in their natural habitat.

changing room conversations

I walked into the changing room yesterday looking like shit.  Honestly, sunburnt shoulders, washed out face, with bloodshot eyes, and seeing as I was sitting next to a load of dancers who were almost ready - a trio of bronzed and buffed up beauties, it made matters worse.
"Sweetie, you look like shit." opinioned Stripper Mum usefully.
"Yeah, you ill or something? Don't give me your fucking cold."  This was my friend from Essex, who likes to make her voice known through the use of expletives which pepper every other sentence.
It's been really hot and sunny in London this week, hitting the 20s with an easy stride - the front page of the Evening Standard screamed that we would be 30 degrees this wednesday! Imagine, 30 degrees in England!   this is, obviously, front page news (obviously a slow news monday).  Unfortunately, as you can probably tell since I haven't posted all week, I spent the weekend enjoying myself.  I didn't mean to get paraletic for 3 days straight, but thats what happens when you spend all day drinking in the park.
I was berating myself for being such a lazybones, and missing all the fun and excitement of a payday weekend, when Stripper Mum gave me a funny rendition of how the weekend had been for her;
"I had a VIP with the King of Haliotosis.  His breath was so bad that I wished I could squirt toothpaste from my tits - he kept on asking me to move closer and closer...'Come here, oohh yeah, a little closer baby"
She then started licking her lips like a village idiot (her impression of a fat slobbery bad breath guy, not because she is mental.)
"Ohhh closer, let me breath on you, big doggy tongue on your nice clean skin"
As I giggled manically, she finished up by collapsing in her chair, wailing like the wicked witch of the East.
"Help me! My silicone's melting...I'm melting...melting"

I may have missed the weekend, I may be hungover, but at least someone had a more gruesome experience than me....

Sex life advice from Stripper Mum

Stripper Mum and I (yes, I know I wrote a post on stripper stereotypes based around stripper mums, and this yummy mummy was my main influence - these people do exist. This isn't a made-up blog written by a balding 40-something in Kentucky, you know. Luckily, this stripper mum is happily shacked-up with the baby daddy, but she still rocks a body like a porn star.  ).  Anyhow, Stripper Mum and I were chatting away the other day as we waited for the club to fill up, sipping away at a glass of wine to get us in the mood.  As it was a slow start to the night, we ended up talking for over an hour and she came out with some super funny shit.

"so when i was pregnant, I was so fat that I couldn't even get down there. I've never been so hairy in my life, but at least I couldn't see the swollen hairy jungle between my legs. You can sort of scrape it, but it's dangerous to be using a razor blade near your baby bump, ya' know?  And you can't manoeuver a dick there either.  My husband, bless him, must have got so horny.  At first you stop having sex, because you are are so big, it's hard to balance, and you are worried about hurting the baby.  So I started giving him blowjobs, but soon they had to stop, because I just couldn't balance myself and have a cock in my mouth at the same time.  The bump was in the way whatever I tried. The last few months of my pregnancy I was wanking him off, and it was so fucking boring.  Up down, up down, I used to stick porn on and fastforward to the cum shots so that he would hurry up."
I laughed at stripper mum, "I get so bored wanking people off sometimes.  I think oh, whats on the telly, or I forgot to buy any milk."
"Nah, it wasn't like that.  I wanted to have it off with him. It was boring because that was literally the only thing we could fucking do.  We'd both be horny, and it was like, oh, what can we do now? Oh yeah, I've ballooned like a whale and can only use my hands.  Even after I'd had the baby I was still all fat - took ages to get our sex life back."

Stripclub Stereotypes #1 ; The single mom stripper

Ahh, the single mum stripper - This is a classic stripper stereotype, and happens more than most of you think.

They can be spotted by having toned, banging bodies and a super tight tum.  I know it's the opposite of what you would think, but these women know how much their job means to them and their kids, and are willing to work hard - in the gym, at home, and at the club.  They've been forced to start taking their job seriously - its no more easy times and easy money, as they can't be selfish or blase about what they do with their days anymore.  No, there are two (or more) to think about now, and seeing as the average childhood is 16 years plus, whilst you can strip for perhaps a decade, perhaps a little more, and you will see why the single mum stripper is one of the hardest working stripper stereotypes you'll find.

Not that they'll tell you that easily.  It's private and personal, and if you just want a dance or two, there's no need for you to know.

Even in the changing room, they might keep it quiet.  The managers will know, due to no-shows at a shift or reasons for why they should be let home early.  A few dancers will know, but probably because they admired the single mom stripper's super toned tummy and were shocked (and slightly jealous, natch) to hear that the rippling flesh had popped out several little munchkins, and that the toned svelte arms were from lugging babies about.
I can guarantee that as soon as that single stripper mom could, she started doing those sit-ups and squeezing those pelvic floor muscles so that she could start earning again.

And for those who wonder what childbirth does to her snatch?  Well, what with the waxing and fake tan and body glitter and strobe lights, even a triple single mom's looks tasty enough for a VIP....