Time for a Body Overhaul

Well I'm back from my little sojourn in Italy, and whilst I had a fantastic time, I am now faced with several problems....

Flickr by KWDesigns

• Carb overload.  I'm not stupid, I knew that this would happen in the land of pizza and pasta.  Luckily for me, I find it very difficult to put weight on, and even if I do pile on a few pounds, they usually pad out my tummy or tits, never the hips.  So after five days stuffing my face with mozzarella in all it's incarnations (creamy burrata, heavy smoked scamorza, melted and gooey mozzarella that stretches from mouth to plate - you get the idea), anyhow, even after five days of munching my body still looks ok.  Not perfect, but still a size 8, except that now with a bit more cleavedge and a little pot belly.  Nothing that a bit of fake tan can't sculpt...
• Patchy tan.   I didn't top myself up whilst I was away, so my usual layer of terracotta gloop has rubbed off.  It was also in the pleasant twenties so I even caught a bit of sun, especially whilst walking around the glaring ruins of Pompeii.  Again, it's nothing that careful application of fake tan can't fill in....
• Dodgy knee  Partying by night & sightseeing by day has left me with a swollen knee.  It's the first time my knee's given out through over-use, and I'm pretty worried about it as I'm usually in such good flexible shape.  I'll be calling my masseuse to pound out any stiffness in my joints and muscles, but will also have to find a decent physio to take a look at what could turn into a lingering problem which would be disasterous for my career. (And no, I don't get sick pay guys!)
• Red Wine Teeth  I drank a lot.  I think I damaged my kidneys too as I had a lower back ache for a good 24 hours.
• BUT THE GOOD NEWS IS.....  I had a well-deserved holiday, got to see some beautiful sights both ancient and modern, got trashed with old friends and made lovely new ones.  I also spoilt myself to a lovely lingerie slip in Italian silk and lace that will be perfect for work, and several traditional devil's horn good luck charms, so hopefully they will manifest in lot's of lucky VIP's and multiple lapdances.......

Advice on how to become a lapdancer in London

I've been asked recently by several readers for advice on becoming a lapdancer. I've been a stripper in London and have also worked abroad as a travelling/holidaying lapdancer. Stripper's on tour!  So it's safe to say I know the basics on becoming a stripper.  I can certainly help girls become a stripper in London.  BUT - I think many are missing the point of the job. Check out this email below;


I'm 21, moving to London just having graduated and am looking for a way to get extra cash - whether it's possible just to 'slip' in to this profession and 'slip out' easily I don't know yet! I'm confident, have never danced before, I'm very 'English', I'm pretty slim but could do with some work to be more groomed/body wise. I'm tall at 5ft 8 but look a little younger than I am. How likely am I to be accepted at a club?


Notice that a lot of the query rests on appearance.  Whilst looks are obviously key in this job, you would be suprised - you don't have to look like a supermodel to make the cut in an audition.....


My top tips are;

• Go to a couple of strip clubs first. Secrets has ladies nights occassionally, and most clubs will let girls in if accompanied by a man.  I'd recommend Platinum Lace & the Windmill if it's your first time in a stripclub and you live in London.  This is because both are based near Leicester Square so you won't feel like you are making a perverted trip to a strange part of town.  You can also hit the gay bars in nearby Soho afterwards for a masterclass in attitude and wearing heels and frocks that you really shouldn't be.
• Watch MTV and all those nasty hip hop videos.  Emulate the bump and grinds and then slow it down till you look like you are bored.  That's how to lapdance.
• Get GHDS and either straighten or curl your hair. Hairspray and backcombing are mandatory.  Then add big drop diamante earrings.
• Golden Rule 1; ALWAYS wear fake tan.  If you don't want to look like you have been tangoed, use Rimmel Sun-shimmer - ALWAYS medium shimmer, not fair or matte.  Apply to a pre-moisturised body with a mitt and don't forget your bum crack.
• Golden Rule 2: ALWAYS wear fake lashes. Think Jodie Marsh when you are applying make-up.
• AUDITIONS;  held at most clubs in the afternoons or early evenings.  They will ask you to dance 2 songs on a stage with a pole, one with your clothes on, then take your clothes off and dance in just your G-string for the 2nd song.  There will be NO-ONE in the club at that early hour, just the manager and lots of bored strippers staring at you.  So don't sweat the 'will I look ok' bit.  They've seen it all before.
• LIE;  say you've danced somewhere before.  ie: "I danced in Leeds whilst at University for a bit" - google a club before.  "It's been a while though so I'm a little nervous."  Born-again Virgins are likely to elicit more sympathy and a job when compared to a fresh off the boat newbie.
• FIRST NIGHT;  Remember stripping is about SALES.  You have to pay to work a shift and get your money back any way you can.  So practice speaking, persuasion, being pushy and smiling.
• LOOKS;  You get tall, short, chubby, flat-titted, cellulited strippers all the time.  That's why we wear fake-tan - it hides a multitude of sins.  Failing that, find a club that is too cheap to afford a decent lighting system - it'll be so dark that no-one will notice.

SMILE AND ENJOY - GOOD LUCK!!!!  


P.s.  I hope you enjoy and use my advice on how to become a lapdancer in London.  You can, of course, use my advice on becoming a stripper for anywhere, or anyone.  Remember, don't despair.  If you fail at one club, audition at another.  There are a million stripclubs in London, even more stripclubs in the UK, and LOADS of tittiejoints worldwide and if you are new to the industry, you will either be disgusted or love the experiences you have finding them out.