Fantasies of a stripper

My imagination has taken to wandering after three days of being locked up inside my house whilst the violence rages on outside on the streets of London.  Denied the ability to work, fantasies of being a stripper fill my mind.  Well, I am one already, so really it's the fantasies of a stripper - lapdancing fantasies that have already happened, that I want to happen, how I wished they had happened.  I've danced for years, so have a lot, some are cookie-cutter fantasy, some are strange and esoteric, but I'll list a few of my favourite stripping fantasies;

• Giving Johnny Knoxville a lapdance whilst wearing his cowboy hat - it felt so rock and roll.
• Giving a sci-fi actor a lapdance - I can't remember whether it was Star Trek or Star Gate but our eyes locked throughout and we had a connection that was out of this world!
• Doing tequila shots with my Pammy lookalike friend Grace in a dingy little Tokyo bar after work in the Roppongi district. She had nipples like pistons, and would wipe a slice of lime on one big, pneumatic nipple, sprinkle salt on the other, then balance the shot glass inbetween her ginormous surgically enhanced tits and approach my face with her ample creamy cleavage.  I was in tequila heaven. Yum.
• Several VIP moments with several hot hot HOT girls - it's a shame that I'm not in contact with so many of these wonderful women any more, but thats the nature of the stripping industry beast - we move on and disappear.  If I ever have trouble getting off, its these lesbian twosomes and threesomes (with the guy customer watching with a massive grin on his face) that I remember.  
• Dancing for a dwarf.  This hasn't happened yet, and it's pissing me off.  It's number one in my stripping 'To-Do' checklist - if there is a dwarf in my club, which seems to happen on an annual basis, I'll make a beeline for him as soon as possible. But I miss every motherfucking time! I've danced for guys half paralysed in wheelchairs, a blind man (that was really fun - I had to dirtytalk a lot), plenty of hobbling broken legs, carefully shimmied round broken arms, I've had stroke victims, Downs syndrome - the lot.  But not a dwarf - although I did dance for a guy who had no hands and his legs amputated at the knee, so I've danced for someone of similar height.  (As a disclaimer, I'm not doing this because I feel sorry for them.  They are in the club to party with beautiful women, and I am happy to provide that service.  If I've given him something for his wank-bank, all the better! However, to keep me inspired, I do have a 'To-Do' checklist of bizarre stripper-related aspirations) 
• Getting rained on.  This is an American term which means that a guy stands at the tipping rail (side of stage) and throws notes on a stripper whilst she dances - but throws so many that it looks like rain.  I've had it happen to me with fivers in London a few times, single dollar bills plenty of times, but the best was by a music producer who rained on me with $100 & $20 bills when I was dancing abroad.  Wow. My garter was certainly packing that night, I tell ya!
• Getting praised by the management for doing a good job.  This NEVER fucking happens, as even if the burly blokes do give you a compliment, it's always followed by a sarcastic rebuff/insult.     ie: ME; "I did really well tonight, here's a tip for you"  BOSS; "Thanks, I knew you would do well tonight in that outfit, it looks good on you. Makes you look like a right slag."
• I'd love to give a rockstar a lapdance.
• Ditto a pornstar - male or female, or a burlesque star.  Might be a bit intimidating, deffo lotsa fun.
• I'd love to work in Vegas. It's like the stripper Mecca.  I've been, and loved it, and wish I could click me heels and go to where the sun always shines, the high rollers are always rolling in, and the lights are bright.  I'm sure they would love me over there - in my fantasies all these American guys go "Jeez, I lurve ur pritty inglish accent, lets go to V.I.P right now" and shower me with casino winnings. Sigh. Unfortunately, as I don't have a USA visa, Vegas business licence or sheriff's card, it ain't gonna happen, as the clubs in Vegas are SUPER strict on hiring. Meh.

Well, there are my favourite stripping fantasies right there. If I remember any more naughty times, or simply think of another lapdancing fantasy I'll let you guys know.  Especially as it's great fun to sit in the sun and fantasise about strippers, punters and stripclubs that I've met. 

Ciao! 

Things to Do Whilst Housebound in London Riots

Things to Do Whilst Housebound in London Riots (stripper style)

• Sunbathe - in garden, balcony or patch of light between the boarded up windows
• Watch how long my Brazilian can grow out for
• Do my nails - if sirens come, bite me nails
• If sirens stop closeby, make tea & check out men in uniforms
• Practise pole tricks

How to stay healthy and eat safe during the London Riots

There are 3 things which always concern me - diet, personal safety and money.
Because the London Riots show no sign of abating any time soon, I've been forced to have a long hard think today on how I can stop the riots affecting me too much.

Let's explain;

• I live in South London, and work in the West End - riots have occurred in both places, and travel, especially late at night, will be difficult.  So it's best to stay at home, stay safe and take a few days off work if possible.
• However, I took last weekend off, and used most of my money to cover bills and rent last week, so I'm flat broke.  Can I risk going to work? Will anybody even be visiting stripclubs right now?  
• All of the shops have been told by police to shut early, so it will be difficult to get food, especially fresh - I'll need to bulk buy and plan my meals so that I stay away from frozen pizza and naughty foods!

Basically, I don't know how many nights it will be before the club will be both safe to work in and have enough punters for me to make any money. Remember, it costs ME to work - house fee, travel, accessories - around £60-100 a shift.

I also need to stay looking trim, as I'm stuck at home for the best part of the week - my gym is closed and it's not safe to jog round the park when gangs are congregating there.  

So I took action!  I went to the ATM and withdrew enough cash for a few days - well they will be empty if this carries on.  I then visited the local fruit and veg market and bulk bought enough fresh produce to tear my arms off - I balanced it all on the handlebars of my bike but it was still more than little ol'me could handle.  

So my week is looking like this;

roasted veg, cous cous & feta (cheap, long lasting produce that tastes amazing!)

homemade soups & chowder - this recipe only has a few ingredients

halloumi & olives - both keep well in the fridge

marinate a family pack of chicken drumsticks and freeze

dust off my yoga mat & do a youtube yoga class in my living room - this core strength one should do the trick

hula-hoop in my garden for cardio

Sunbathe in the garden too

Read the naughty doorstopper ; 'Juliette' by Marquis de Sade (this will keep my mojo up!)

As I write this, sirens are blaring up and down the streets near my house - I can hear 6 different types and cars. Shops all over London are boarded up. Stripclubs are shut - even Spearmint Rhino was evacuated last night (although Platinum Lace proudly tweeted that they were open!)  Who knows when I'll make money again? Or be able to pop out without fear?!

But at least I'll stay solvent and skinny....

London Riots - Bad news for London strippers!

I'm flabbergasted to note that this is my umpteenth post about riots and protests in London.  It seems that every other month there is a protest - the Slut Walk was a very positive empowering experience for me, the student protests in the West End were not as they shut down half the neighbourhood and turned it into a quiet night at work.
But this weekend we saw the start of riots across London. The full shocking extent can be found on this map here  but basically they started in Tottenham, North London, and further riots sprang up in several places, including Brixton and Oxford Circus.

I woke up hungover and at home today, looking forward to starting the working week with a nice, slow Monday night shift at the club.  But once again I'm apprehensive as;
a) nobody is going to visit a stripclub when riots happened across London yesterday.
b) especially when the riots included Oxford Circus and the West End.
c) getting a taxi home after work will be a nightmare.

I thought that I would take me mind off my hangover and the worrying events by taking a walk in the park, but the first thing I saw was this

The only reason why you would EVER find an empty box in a park for chrissakes for a top of the range 42" Plasma TV is because last night this happened;

(from the West Londoner blog, thanks)

I'm glad to say that I still enjoyed the walk in the park, but will just have to eat beans on toast until it calms down and people start partying in London again, as it's a gamble otherwise.  As a lapdancer, I have to pay a 'house fee' every night I work there, so if it's a quiet night, I may not make my money back.  I lose out twofold, my time and my money.  Riots in London are bad news for strippers as the club will be deserted, still at least its not happening during the busy Christmas season...

Scared of tuition fee rises? I am scared of everything!

London has been beset by rioting over the tuition fee rises all week, with rioting and smashed windows all over the center of town.
Incidentally, thats the same center of town that I work in, and if theres rioting, I really can't see the point in risking it.
Now, I'm not talking about getting caught up in a police kettle, or catching fleas from a dreadlocked protestor, or shivering in the freezing December air as the tubes are delayed, or even dancing for an underaged kid who has wondered in after the days protest is over (trust me, university students come in all the time, as we have super-long drinking hours and a late  late license)

No, the risk for me is that I will turn up, pay my house fee, spend ages getting ready, and then not make any money as the club is so dead and no customers can make the journey in through the hallowed doors.

Actually, there are a raft on things which have been turning me off dancing in the last few weeks.  First there was the snow, then a 5 day bender and the accompanying hangover, then the riots, and then, on Friday night, just as I was gearing myself up for a return to stripping on Saturday, I find that a doorman at a rival club was shot.

With all this cold and violence, is it any wonder I am finding it difficult to be jolly and naked at times???