Hows the writing going?

It's the Spring Equinox today.  I was bursting with ideas for making my stripper blog as funny, honest and sexy as possible - especially over the weekend, where I pulled some really quiet boring shifts.  I did a measly FIVE lapdances last Saturday night, which has to be my worst stripping shift ever!!!  However, today I've been in a funk, moping around feeling sorry for myself as my shoulder is killing from yoga and drunken pole dancing.
So concentrating on possible blog posts related to lapdancing can really lift my spirits, as well as giving my tired feet a rest whilst I sit my arse in front of a computer screen for an afternoon.  I've been getting lots of emails recently from readers who say my blog posts on stripping are funny and humourous, which I think is flattering but I wish sometimes that life was as funny as you think it is.  Most of the time a lapdancers life is pretty boring - you're either waiting to start work, waiting for a customer, waiting to go on stage - you get the idea.  That's why I started this blog - I needed to write a funny stripper blog that describes the good times as well as the crap we have to deal with on an average night at a stripclub, as well as trying to explain it to the outside world.  The number of times I've been cornered at parties by 'interested' people who ask me a million questions on whats it like, what I wear, and how much do I earn.  I've felt like throwing the punchbowl at them, except that London parties don't have punchbowls, as a rule.  Maybe I should start a trend.....I could bring my own as a conversational starter/stopper to the next houseparty...?

How to give a lapdance

Possibly the most important skill in a lapdancer's arsenal, or possibly the most over-rated.

Lapdancing = dancing whilst removing items of clothing, usually with at least one person watching.

It's the stuff of nightmares for many, but for born exhibitionists like me, it's the stuff of dreams...

But how do you strip like an exotic dancer?  Here are some tips on giving a lapdance

1. Eye contact   Look deeply into the eyes of your audience. Wink a little, flirt coquettishly with fluttering lashes.  Single one man out and look directly at him.  Make them feel like they are the only man, woman, or perve in the room. Back away a little if you please, so he can see all of you, and look back into those beautiful baby blues.  But please remember this isn't a staring match, so don't freak onlookers out with a beady eyed stare of death....
2. Bent knees   Keeping your knees bent is crucial when giving a lapdance, as it brings your jiggling booty to his crotch ie: you are on his lap.  It also makes your bottom stick out more, increases the freedom of movement, and hell, you can always just pretend you are at Carnival.
3. Forget the fastenings   Don't sweat the bra-straps, zips, knicker elastics and ribbon ties of this world.  Yes, they will get caught, stuck, and prove damn fiddly just when you least expect it.  If you can, ask your audience for help - most will be happy to oblige, and it will create a rapport and waste time (hurrah!)  Or else flop a breast out, shove your tits in his face, and whilst he is distracted, you are free to sort the offending fastening out. 
4. Breathe, Smile, Think SEX!     It will show in your lapdance if you are fantasising about Brad Pitt going down on you whilst you are fed chocolate covered strawberries by Orlando Bloom. If you want to dance sexy, you have to think sexy.  And please don't get so nervous that you stop breathing, begin to shake and burst into tears.  I've seen it happen with the new girls.  Just think Hollywood heart throb, and not 'does he like me, how big is my bum?'
5. Slow Down... Slow, sensual movements are great.  Pretend the chair is an ardous mountain, not a jungle-monkey climbing frame. Go slowly, not jerky. (unless we are talking bum wiggling, in which case you can go like the clappers!)

So, I hope you like my top 5 tips for giving a guy a lapdance.  Follow these tips and you could be wearing a binbag and he'll like it.  Aww, bless.  Men.  They can be so simple sometimes, hey?     

Top 10 Songs to Strip To - the Daytime Version

I've shaken my booty to more songs than I can ever remember, in countless clubs, in front of countless men, girls and bartenders.
I've rocked the stage in front of crowds.
I've danced drunk with wild abandon.
I've danced with sex on the brain and cash in my hand.
I've even been rained on.

But mostly, I've danced in those long boring moments, where you and everyone else is waiting for the club to fill up.  Tumbleweed rolls across the floor, between the glossy legs of dead-eyed strippers, crossed for the forseeable future.  Tables lie empty, their little individual lamps illuminating no-one.  Chairs are in orderly groups, waiting for bottoms.  Everybody has a face like a slapped fish, looking unimpressed at the lonely dancer making slow, repetitive moves around a pole.
The music for these monotonous minutes when everyone is sober and the customers are all cheap perverts digesting their lunchtime sandwich with a cheekie chubbie in their pants is carefully chosen by the DJ to show the passing of time in a sexual light.  The rhythms are slow, the lyrics are vaguely pornographic, and the chorus is all heavy breathing and slow moans.  You don't want to piss off all these 'been there, seen that' strippers with a set full of pumping, lets get the party started tunes at 3 o'clock in the afternoon.  The poor things want something they can hum too, the guys want an auditory stimulus that doesn't give them a headache, and no-one bar the coke-heads wants to burn too many calories.

So I've constructed a playlist of my top 10 songs to play in a boring, empty stripclub that you could potentially still wank to but won't pull any muscles.



At number one is 'Closer' by the 9" Nails.  It's kinda like slitting your wrists, having a bored wank during the ad breaks, & the breathy voice of a heavy smoking rock god with a hard-on that you picked up one summer night in Camden.  All at once.  Oh, and the chorus screams 'I want to fuck you like an animal'. Nuff said.




For some soaring synths for when you are a happy little dancer and want to float around the stage - hey maybe you can still feel the effects of that joint you toked on your way in, 'I'm not in love' by 10 CC is just your ticket. It also contains the lyrics ' ohh, you wait a long time for me', which is almost foretelling your destiny for the customer count over the next few hours.




'Beautiful People' by Marilyn Manson is my number 3 daytime tune.  It's slightly angry, feels a bit wrong and dirty and has a great clash of cymbals running through the riff.  It just goes bang, bang, bang, so can be danced with two left feet.  Besides, if you are doing a daytime shift, you probably don't want to be there (who EVER wants to be at work when it's boring?), and Marilyn's sarcastic sneer usually suits my mood perfectly.



A song that purrs about not taking your clothes off could be seen as counter-productive, but a sassy lapdancer can use those lyrics to her advantage, especially when everyone can hum to the 'na-na-na' bits and smiles at the happy memories of 1980s cheese.  That pervert nursing his beer probably had his first kiss to a bit of Jermaine Stewart at the school disco.  So 'We don't have to take our clothes off' by Jermaine Stewart comes in at number 4.



Perhaps it's a Sunday, you are hungover, you're pussy is a bit sore from the shag you got last night from some drunken stranger, and you want to spin around the pole, close your eyes, and feel him inside you again. But not too fast, as you have a banging headache and the ibuprophen hasn't kicked in yet.  You need 'French Kiss' by Lil Louis don't you? 



Let's also assume that it's a two song set, and you have to take your dress off for the second song.  You still want to remember that sexy shag, but now you're naked, so I'd request 'Je t'aime moi non plus' by those Galllic lovers, Serge Gainsbourg and Jane Birkin.  Close your eyes, stretch your leg out  and run your hand up those stockings towards your still-wet crotch - see, you could almost still be in bed with the lucky man. Almost.



Unfortunately, most lapdancers don't want to act out their sexual fantasies on a sticky stage, they want to practise their pole tricks.  I don't know why the combination of pan pipes and gregorian chants works when you need to climb up a pole and practise the same spins like a ADHD hamster, but it does. 'Principles of Lust' by Enigma comes in at number 7.  (I have to thank Alan Robinson for reminding me of this excellent tune on one of his reader comments.)



Girls like this song because it reminds them of a Levi's jeans ad back in the 1980s where a super hot piece of ass took his jeans off.  Besides, who doesn't like a bit of 'Clash' & 'Should I stay or should I go?'

So that's 8 songs.  My top 8. I'm still debating heavily which two songs are going to make the last two places.  Have you got any ideas? I'll make the final selection based on feedback.

Happy stripping boys and girls! I'm off to enjoy a naughty Saturday night off......

No confidence today as sex-industry women do it better....

I've been having a low day, a bad Friday.  Nothing in paticular has happened, I just feel awful.  I laid in bed and read a book or two, but the words just seem to wash over me.  I'm working tonight, and guess that I am going to have to buck up and get my head out of the sand.  I can't say that I am paticuarly looking forward to it, but I also know from experience that once I get into the club my smile will switch on and I will become a happy, flirty little automaton.
Working nights can be fun, hilarious even, and gives you the day to yourself.  I'm free to do whatever I want.  But sometimes those long hours seem to stretch out.  You wake up in your empty bed, sometimes in the morning, more usually around lunchtime, occassionally in the afternoon. You stare at the ceiling, perhaps open the curtains, look at the weather outside.  You know that there is no reason to venture outside the house right away, so you putter downstairs and make yourself a cup of tea.  Wipe smears of encrusted eyelash glue and sleepy eye from your puffy lids, and think about what you are going to have for breakfast.  Pick my nose. Scratch your bum.  Look at any fresh blisters on your toes and press them against the cold linoleum.  Then you check how many hours you have till your shift that evening and wonder what you are going to do with all that time.
If I'm feeling sprightly, I might go for a jog.  Hit the gym.  Do a few cat-like stretches and some yoga in the living room.
If I'm feeling numb and bored, I'll just slump back to bed.  Read a book. Open up the papers.  Jump on Twitter and see what the rest of the world is doing. Log on facebook.
Someone sent me a message today, that a new book on stripping was out.  I looked on Amazon.  There it was. A memoir of lapdancing in London.  "Stripped; A Life of Strip and Tease in Clubland" by Samantha Bailey. I recognised the author.  She looked happy and smiling in her promotional photo.  I felt a pang of jealousy, followed by a huge feeling of inadequacy.  Why wasn't it me in print? I've been faffing around with a novel for the best part of two years now, starting and stopping, changing the format. I started work on a memoir, but that seemed dull and formulaic, so I began on a novel.  A girl at university that becomes a stripper in London.  But that didn't seem to work, not properly, so I began again - condensing time, trying to fit an average night, an unusual week, the run-up to Christmas, into 20 chapters. I'm still fiddling, but the fiddling is going well. I feel like I am actually getting somewhere. Perhaps eventually I will see the publication of another girls memoirs as something exciting, and inspirational.  It certainly bodes well if there is a publishing precedent. 
I googled around a bit more, to see what other women in the sex industry were publishing.  Most interesting was Lorelei Lee, who has screenwritten a movie called 'Cherry', starrring the ridiculously gorgeous and talanted James Franco.  I felt a pang of jealousy at this too.  Here was a porn star whose writing prowess had landed her the opportunity to work with Hollywood's hottest talent.  The movie is still in post-production, and is on my must-see wish list.
Then there are the big-hitters - Diablo Cody, another stripper, this time American, who wrote the screenplay for Juno following the success of her stripping memoirs 'Candy Girl'.  Another girl who made it to Hollywood.  Belle de Jour, or Dr. Brooke Magnanti, is another British sex-industry worker done good, who is on her 3rd or 4th book already and had ITV turn her vice-girl memoirs into an awesome TV series.  Starring Billie Piper.  I remember Billie from when I was growing up, she was a teeny bopper pop music firehouse who was around my age and had grown up in London.  We were all jealous at my school and longed, secretly, that we were also prancing around with a record contract and the catchphrase 'coz we want too'!
I know that Rome wasn't built in a day, and that aspiring to be like others who have had success in a field similar to yours is a good thing.  But it is still dispiriting sometimes, especially when you wake up with bruised toes, in a hot bedroom, alone, with nothing but a few cups of tea and a computer screen to fill up the hours of a grey London day.  Sometimes I can't wait for dusk to fall.....

Bucket List no.72: Get a lapdance

Call me a sassy Samaritan, but I made a girls deams come true last night.
I gave her a hot lapdance, the first in her life & the only one of the night, and possibly ever again.
I made her bucket list dream come true.

For those unfamiliar with a bucket list, it's the kind of list you write on a rainy day, when you dream of all the things you want to do before you die.  A list of wacky, crazy acheivements, you could say.

Typical bucket list;

• Visit the ruins of Machu Picchu in Peru
• Drive a sports car round a track
• Have a threesome
• Go scuba-diving
• Have a super-hot lapdance from a hottie like me!

(Well, it was on this ladies bucket list anyway.)

Ricky Gervais' show, 'The Idiot Abroad', actually had his hapless pal, Karl Pilkington, performing items of his bucket list.  I remember seeing the bungee jumping show and Karl going down Route 66, but I don't remember him visiting any stripclubs.  That's a damn shame, as I'm sure one of the stripping sorority sisters could put a big slime on that glib, bewildered face of his.  Ricky, if you're listening....????

The lady and her friend LOVED the dance and said I was like a white Rihanna, and I rode high on the coat-tails of that compliment for the rest of the evening!!!