Thursday, 31 May 2012

Best lapdance of the week

Hello jolly readers!

After a spate of 'How to....'s" last month, as I explored the dating scene and lapdancing, I feel it's time to dish the dirt again on what has been happening in my booths this week.  I've decided that it would be fun to highlight my best - and potentially the worst - lapdances I take part in as a weekly series.  Hell, why not?

So look out for the label's; 'best lapdance' and 'worst lapdance', which should begin to appear on my label cloud on the sidebar.  Unfortunately I don't seem to have a search feature on my blogger, and can't be asked to install one right now, if one even exists, as I'm too tired and hungover after a hard night's graft.
And you'll never guess what happened....

"Best Lapdance of the week! Award" goes to Josh, an American suit that chose to celebrate his last night in London with me and a Czech girl.  He win's hands down because he had such a good body.
You could just about make out the thick muscles in his biceps that strained ever so slightly against the fabric of his well cut designer suit, but I gave him a squeeze just to make sure. Yep, those were some muscles alright, I smiled as he flexed them for the benefit of the cooing strippers around him.
He was HOT, and RICH, and HE KNEW IT!!!
I jumped for joy when he picked me to dance for him as it was a) a total confidence boost and b) made all the other girls jealous.
Actually he picked two of us girls to play with him as he was a greedy, fun loving sod - but I love threesomes and the three of us practically skipped towards the lapdance area.
He drawled oodles of compliments about the Czech girls flat stomach and my jiggling bottom in a sensual American accent for a couple of songs, but it was when some American Rock came on that he really came into his element.

As Def Leppard called for some sugar to be poured on him, Josh leapt up and began to thrust his crotch with a rocker's rhythm.
Whilst Def began to get hot, sticky and sweet, Josh began to under the buttons on his shirt, one by one, in time to the pounding drum beat.
Us two girls screamed like schoolgirls, ostensibly to make Josh feel like a real life rockstar, but there was passion behind my screams, because Josh revealed something very, very tasty under his suit.
A tanned and rippling six pack with just about the right amount of soft chest hair that called out for me to sink my fingers into.
So I did.
Well, we had to check out his chest didn't we?
"No touching the dancers allowed!" Josh joked, and we giggled right back.

Friday, 18 May 2012

First date's reveal some upsetting home truths

So I've recently been on my second date with a gorgeous and driven city type, and whilst it was in many ways a success - he's been texting me since, he looked me in the eye and said he liked me (!), and we had a kiss or two - the experience has left me confused and wanting.
Firstly, a bit of backstory.  I'm fairly inexperienced in the world of dating.  I tend to meet guys when drunk or high at one of the myriad of house parties and club nights that I find myself at, then take them home with me that night.  I have no time to fanny around (excuse the pun) with the first-dates-lets-meet-for-coffee-malarky, as my free evenings are sacred to me as a lapdancer who works nights.  On top of this, as a hustler, if I see a man I want, I get him, right there, right then.  It's in my DNA now.
And when I have a man I like, I've always embarked on an intense relationship, where we are practically joined at the hip, our two souls and bodies deeply intertwined, our dreams shared.
However, a couple of months ago I got my heart broken, in one of those unexpected moments that life throws at you - one day we were planning Valentine's, the next he'd come round to tell me that it was over.
Just like that.
The feelings of depth and abandonment overwhelmed me so completely I felt like I had just stepped into the pages of a Twilight novel - suddenly I was Bella Swan, alone, abandoned, and utterly rejected, staring into space and all food and pleasure turning to ashes in my mouth.  I drank, I cried, then I drank some more, until eventually my friends and family pulled me  out of it and I returned to normalcy.

Several months have passed now, and so I've begun to look at men again, feel the familiar stirring in my loins, flutters in my stomach - my capacity for love has returned.  So I've been on a couple of dates with the one guy in London I currently find even a little bit cute - with unexpected results.

  • Age and Experience has made me picky;  I don't seem to fancy anyone.  At all. Even though I meet lots of guys at the club, many of them hot, rich and successful, and we have brief erotic experiences together.  I get chatted up everyday too - by the guys working in my local cafes, people in the pub - I even got chatted up in Waterstone's bookshop the other day.  But whilst I'm flattered by the attention, nobody excites me - whereas before many of them would of.
  • I'm horny, but want it on my own terms.  I've been reading the Fifty Shades of Grey
    trilogy, and totally empathise with one of the main characters.  No,  not the lily-livered Anastasia Steele virginial type, but the dark and tortured Christian Grey.  He doesn't like to be touched - a boundary I have to keep to every night I stride into a booth to give a lapdance.  He wants to fit his sexual experiences into alloted time slots - as a busy working girl myself, I would love to slot 'sex time' into my diary.  He wants to control and manipulate the situation so that he doesn't get hurt or abandoned again - feelings which mirror my own so exactly, so perfectly, yet still push the spine-tingling sex scenes to excess.
  • I'm a bit of a nut that try's too hard.  My work personality is only so many shades of grey, if you will, from my normal persona.  The thing is, I do try hard to make sure the person, or people I am with, are happy - I'm a naturally generous and sociable young lady.  However, put me in a situation that I feel uncomfortable in, and I will start over-compensating in order to hide my nerves.  Imagine you are at a dinner party, and the conversation moves out of your depth by a person you are trying to impress.  Your voice might rise a few octaves, you start slavishly insisting on a moot point - you generally become a loud, crazy bore.  That's basically me.  On our first date, I chatted about wine with the waiter, thinking that my few grains of vinery knowledge would impress the guy - who simply smiled, as he casually mentioned that he liked wine too - his family owed some vineyards....  
  • I drink way more than the average person.  It's very hard to match your drinking to the other, especially when you are nervous. Especially when they are on beer and you are on Martini's. Either I need to switch drink preferences or I just accept that at heart I am a Geordie Shore lass on the lash.  
  •  I must be careful not to fall under the 'damaged stripper' stereotype.  Yes, I'm currently damaged goods, and yes, I'm an exotic dancer, but I must be careful that I do not come across as the embodiment of that old Hollywood favourite - the damaged stripper. See the Spearmint Rhino chapter in How To Be a Woman by Caitlan Moran, a brilliant modern feminist writer who documents a visit to the megalithic temple  of nudity; Spearmint Rhino on Tottenham Court Road, and whilst she has a good time, leaves feeling that many dancers come from abusive backgrounds. I certainly don't, but I've just had my heart broken, so until it mends itself or new-found love heals the tear with a warm and fuzzy sticking plaster, I have to keep in mind that my real inner feelings may be taken out of context.

Well, that was fairly cathartic just writing that post - a spot of self analysis can be good sometimes. This is is obviously one of the perks of being me - I can blog and write about my experiences and life under the veil of anonymity, and use the process so that both I and current and future readers can perhaps get a better grasp on what's going through that lapdancer's head.  I've dedicated the past month to posts about dating a lapdancer chatting up a lapdancer, and our love lives - please explore and comment.
It's a fairly difficult time for me at the moment, with a sense of my myriad identities being in a state of flux.  I sometimes fear that I have too many faces that are simultaneously on show; my dancer self, my blogging self, my real self. 
But that doesn't mean that I am not happy, and in many ways I am doing well at the moment - work is steady, I have lots of friends at the club, more readers on my blog, and another date on the cards......

    Monday, 14 May 2012

    How to choose the perfect 'long dress' for gentleman's club auditions

    Last week I received an email from a lovely girl who wanted to get into lapdancing, but was confused by what the club meant by 'long dress'.
    "What about the clubs, where they say you need to wear an evening dress? What does it mean? Is it so posh? Do I really have to wear long dress?"

    I remember back in the day when I first rang up a gentleman's club and asked about their auditioning process.  They insisted on 'long dresses', which my newbie brain found thoroughly confusing.  Surely an exotic dancer wore as little as possible, with easily removable teeny-weeny string binkini's and thongs that disappeared up their jiggling bottoms? 
    My entire back-catalogue of lapdancing experience came from watching 'Showgirls' which isn't even about stripping per se but is set in Vegas; "I'm a dancer!" cries Naomi Malone.
    If you have never seen this cult classic buy it immediately it's the purest example of something so awful, so bad, that it's good. Here's an Amazon link Showgirls [BLU-RAY] [UNCUT VERSION] [DUTCH IMPORT]  
    For now, here's a clip because I can't help this guilty pleasure....

    But if you are ready to follow in Showgirl's footsteps, what does a girl wear?

    A long dress when you are a lapdancer is basically a dress that has all or part of it falling below your knee.  The rest of it can look like a spider-web of tiny gossamer thin strands that leaves little to the imagination, but it must have one tiny strand falling down one leg till it hovers just above your ankle.  Strange but true.

    A decent 'long stripping outfit' is a key part of any dancers wardrobe. With this a girl will be able  to audition at any club in the country, and will be able to start work immediately or continue working if the club changes the rules overnight.  I have lost count of the number of times a gentleman's club has relaxed the rules on dress-code, only to tighten them up again 6 months later as the girls look too sleazy or the management changes.  Many girl's initially scream with glee when the rules get relaxed as we prefer miniskirts to ballgowns,  but woe betide the dancer who throws away her long dresses as 'she doesn't need them anymore.' WRONG!

    So what makes a great lapdancer outfit? It must be very flattering on the girl, comply with the club's dress code and be easy to take off in a graceful and sexy manner.


    This lapdancer dress is from a British company "SassyAss" specialising in pole dancing outfits with a fantastically Sassy sounding name just like me! Either my blog name wasn't as original as I thought it was or there's something about stripping and sassiness that just goes together like a horse and carriage and love and marriage.
    Anyway, this is your standard dancer's dress. It's a nice bright colour so you stand out amongst all the other girls, you can get away with no bra or stick a nice padded cleavage enhancing bra underneath if you want. I've had this dress style several times before in red and purple and they were great to dance in.
    For true sassiness, I'd suggest a bra in a contrasting colour - hot pink perhaps, or black.  Most lapdancer's only match their outfits to their lingerie when it's black and more black, or it's fantasy night. Taste goes out of the window the rest of the time as we like to stand out from the crowd.

    If a bright dress like this seems a bit daunting, a good long dress would be something like this one.  I really like wearing dresses with well-positioned cut-outs and a thigh high slash - they move really well and feel a bit  S & M dominatrix-ish.
    This 'Tiger' dress comes in black as well, and would look great with some sheer black stockings and some bling jewellery.  I've had a similar one before, and it fell really nicely whether I was posing on the stage or sat down talking to a customer - it's revealing, but not overly so.

    If you are a girl lucky enough to be blessed with a really fabulous pair of tits, or perhaps you have just had a boob-job and want to show those beauties off to the world, then you need a dress that drapes around your cleavage but won't let your tits flop out all over the place when you move.

    If you want to cover up a little, but still want to show off your gorgeous curves, wear a well cut number like the red one below which comes in a slinky fabric - very tactile for those guys who have itchy fingers and like to stroke a girl.

    Finally, if you are tall and gorgeous, with great collarbones and face, and especially if you have very long hair or a short pixie crop, then trust me - wear a body-stocking style dress in a sheer or lace fabric.  It's a lot of fabric, so it can be a bit restricting, so not good if you want to really rock the pole tricks, but I've seen men go ga-ga for girls who wear a bodystocking tube dress like the ones below;

    I hope that this post solves the enigma which is the 'long dress'.  Remember that this is a uniform, and will be crucial to how customers - and the management & girls - perceive you.
    As a general rule of thumb; Black =classy, colours=fun, fishnet or cutouts=slutty

    A good dress will last a girl for many, many shifts - I've got dresses that are over five years old, other's that have been handed down to me by dancer's leaving the business.  They are worth the money and investment, even if the initial outlay seems a little pricey at first - you will make it back.  Try looking in local markets or the high street, but if you really want to look like a dancer, and have a dress that looks good when you are moving about  on stage, in a booth, or VIP, I suggest that you buy from a proper stripping supplier (the ones above, bar Blue Banana, are all lapdancer-orientated companies).

    Of course dancer's also wear short dresses, but I will address that in a future post.

    Happy Shopping and Dancing; Good Luck with the Auditions Girls!!!

    How to pick up a lapdancer

    It must be on every man's bucket list to pick up a lapdancer. Hell, I've even met students of The Game and Rules of the Game who bring in their classes to use us girls as target practice.
    But how does a guy chat up a stripper? And I don't mean swap numbers and business cards so that she calls you up and gets you to become one of her regulars, or puts you on the club mailing list.
    I'm talking about a real life, meet-out-of-the-club scenario, which perhaps progresses to second or third base … or the kind of magical night where you hit a home run and you and the deliciously hot and horny exotic dancer have wild freaky sex all night long...
    I've thought about this and have come up with my top ten points and advice on courting a lady of the night...

    Firstly, a disclaimer. It is against club policy to date customers, and many clubs don't even like you telling guys your real name or any personal details. So when a lapdancer is 'lying' to you, she is probably just doing it to toe the club line and keep her job.
    As a Stripper PUA (Pick.Up.Artist), you should make understanding the dancers situation your bottom line. Would you risk your job to get laid?
    Well would you????
    So picking up a lapdancer is breaking every rule in the book – so whilst Miss Sassy Lapdancer here does not condone this kind of illicit and exciting scenario, I will offer a few pointers...

    • Be NICE Buy the girl a drink. Give her a few compliments, just casually dropped into the conversation. Look her in the eyes, not stare directly at her tits.
    • Compliments; Here you have to be clever. Some girls have real hang-ups about bits of their bodies, whereas other girls are so used to getting complimented on certain areas that they find it a turn-off. These bodily bits are generally the men's favourite erogenous zones, such as tits, legs and bottoms. On top of this, we fuss about our hair and eyes so much in the changing room that whilst we like getting compliments about our hair and eyes, we may also be expecting it. A clever guy will compliment a girl on a more unusual feature. Personally, I go gooey a la' Fifty Shades of Grey when a man tells me “Don't bite your bottom lip – It's very distracting”.
    Try saying that;
    a girl's hands look beautiful with her bracelets and rings, that her eyebrows frame her face perfectly, her shoes look great on her legs, her luscious brunette locks remind you of Cheryl Cole/ Kate Middleton. She just blushed a little and it was really sweet, you like the faraway look in her eyes when she discusses holidays, she has a beautiful back. (don't massage it if you are heavy handed though... or drunk. That will just cause me pain and I need my body to work!)
    • Compliment No-No's; Reader's of The Game and Rules of the Game will know all about 'negative' hits – backhanded compliments such as 'your hair is cute, it reminds me of a mullet'. A few of these can be a great way to break the ice and make the conversation funny, but too many and you will seem like a dick. Be nice (see above)
    • Raise your Standards; You are trying to successfully pull a hot, sexy, cool woman who gets chatted up every night, so make sure you fit the bill yourself. Dancer's like hot guys, cool musician types, guys with a decent job and salary, - but the key thing is not to smell, please shave off any extraneous body hair, don't wear dorky clothes, and just exude an air of cool confidence. Most guys I date are people who work late shifts like me – so if you are a bouncer, bartender, or drug dealer reading this, I am sure that you have already dated several strippers. Freelancers, chefs, and people in creative industries are great for dating – if you are a 9-5er, understand that if I go on a date, I may be taking a night off work for you, so make it special.
    • Choose your time carefully Come when it's slow, like a Sunday, Monday or Tuesday shift. Note when the girls change from daytime to evening shift – a hungry day girl may take you up on your offer of dinner when her shift ends. Or have an after-hours party lined up (NOT in your hotel room). Or even better than a party - have an all-night breakfast place lined up.  Any lapdancer worth her salt will be ravenously hungry after dancing for 8 hours for a pack of drooling zombies baying round a stage.
    • Bring a friend If you go to a stripclub on your own, the dancer will see you as a proper perverted punter, or a sad and lonely bugger. I'd bring a friend or two – a wingman, or even better, a wingman AND a wingwoman. Then they can both big you up, and say what a nice guy you are.
    • Can I bring a friend? Look, I'm sure you are not an axe-wielding rapist, but it's still scary meeting up with a guy, especially at 3am in the morning when you have been staring at my naked form all night. So if you invite me on somewhere, expect me to bring company – well at least it will be hot company, as I'll bring one of my fellow dancers. However, if you are inviting me to a club or houseparty, and I bring a waiter or bartender along as part of my entourage, don't moan – just graciously accept it & buy him a beer. If I wanted to sleep with the staff, I would have done it already, capiche?
    • Shooting fish in a barrel It's very hard to chat me up at work. It's hard to chat me up period, because if I like you, I've probably already started initiating a future hook-up before you even know that Cupid's love bolt is heading your way. So if you are the kind of douchebag who wants to chat up a dancer for kicks, stick to the new girls and amateurs, as they will prove less resistant to your charms. If you want to spot a new girl, ask the barstaff, DJ or just watch them on stage – you can spot a new girl from a mile off as their stage-sets are less polished even though you can see she is really trying to appear sexy whilst twiddling round the pole. The old-timers are usually the girls who look really really good, or really, really bored.
    • Have a pen in your pocket. Well, I'm not going to ask a manager or waitress for a biro if I want to give you my number am I, and running off to the changing room isn't an option when another dancer will just swoop into my place as soon as I vacate my seat.
    • Remember this is my JOB and my WORKPLACE I'm not even going to delve into detail on this startling obvious fact, but if I swung by your office and took up all your time chasing your digits, you would find me very annoying....

    So there is my advice on successfully chatting up a lapdancer. Memorise and learn from my pearls of exotic dancer wisdom, or cut out and keep this how to ten point plan on pulling a lapdancer.

    In my own life, my #dateadancer week has obviously taken longer than a week, but I hope you have been enjoying my posts. I'm finishing off my date a dancer series with 'How to date a dancer' followed by 'How to dump a dancer' – advice there on the full spectrum and love lives of us exotic young ladies. Please look around my blog and check out these posts.
    Personally, I have got several dates lined up this week with cute guys, one who is a friend of a friend but two are guys I met in the club (on different nights – I'm not a slag!) I've kissed two of them but haven't seen any sparks fly yet, and haven't had sex for three weeks now, which means I am rule-breakingly horny at work :)

    See you in the VIP booth xoxo Sassy

    Thursday, 3 May 2012

    The difficulties behind chatting up a punter

    Our eyes locked.  I was unable to look away.  The music melted away, a soft murmur in the background.  I felt naked. I was naked.
    I realised that I hadn't taken a breath for a while. Air came into my lungs, I blinked, suddenly self-concious.
    "I...." My lips parted.
    His hand softly grabbed mine, and a thrill of electricity ran through me.  I could feel butterflies in my stomach, and I leant in closer, closer, wanting to kiss him.  This man, sat right in front of me.  Why did I find him so attractive, so alluring?
    I remembered where I was.
    I stopped myself, pulled my wits back around me like a protective security blanket, laughed nervously, and pulled myself back up. As if to break the spell, I tossed my head back and strode seductively to the other side of the booth before finishing the lapdance.

    Yes, that really can happen.  I've fallen in love with customers in an instant, felt an erotic thrill whilst dancing for some of the most beautiful men I've ever met, fallen for the charms of men chatting me up over a glass of champagne, the alcohol clouding me till time rushes past in a blur.

    All too often though, it doesn't work out.  Say you'd like to meet, and the guy, sensing ulterior motives, invariably asks; "How much?"
    For me, this is a total passion killer.  It kills dead my schoolgirl crush.  How can I be infatuated with a man who wants to pay for my feelings - how can he not realise that my feeling are genuine?
    I know I'm really, really good at making a man feel special, because that's my job - to propagate a fantasy.  I'm an exotic dancer on paper, but I am an illusionist by trade.
    Then there are the times when, naturally, they don't want what I want - a date.  They want me that night - in a hotel room, back at my house (awkward journey that, as I always say I live in a totally different part of London) - back at his place, perhaps his city bolthole where his wife and kids won't see us.
    This makes me feel grubby.  Sure, I've had plenty of one night stands - but they are usually after a house party, a chance meeting in a club, when I'm high, drunk and free.
    So maybe you meet up and go on a date - then you have to explain all the fantasies that you span on your initial encounter at the stripclub.  No, I'd add 5 years to that age; I'm sorry, I've never really been to teh same ski resort as you; actually, I don't really live in Chelsea - haven't been there in months, but I do love the TV show....
    Of course there is the presumption that you do this all the time, you must be such a slut, taking full advantage of the conveyor belt of eligible bachelors that walk into your life night after night.  You are a guarenteed shag, tons of notches on your bedpost.  You get chatted up all the time, right? (Actually, this is true - most times I leave the house I'll get admiring glasses, but that doesn't mean I follow them all through.)

    So, dear readers, next time you are in a club, and that curvy beauty with chocolate eyes to die in holds your hand and whispers that she hopes you don't leave her side for a moment that evening, that she wished the night could last forever - who knows, it may be true!
    Or she might just want another hour in the VIP......

    Tuesday, 1 May 2012

    The Love Life of a Lapdancer

    She stares into your eyes after you've asked the question, before shyly playing with a strand of her hair.
    "Do I have a boyfriend? With this job? Are you kidding?"

    So how many lapdancer's really are single and available?

    If you walk into a club as a punter and ask all the girls this question, most of the dancer's will say that they are single, with a few lovers on the side.  Some may even say that they are lesbian - and do you want to see her dancing with their girlfriend, who is just over there?

    Luckily for you, I have behind the scenes access, and can tell you the truth of what really goes on in the love lives of lapdancer's today.  Here is what I have learnt.... some stereotypical, much of it is very surprising.

    Lets base it on your average stripclub in a big English city, such as London, Birmingham or Bournemouth.  
    There will be 70 girls working on a busy Thursday night.

    • 40 girls will be from Eastern European countries.  The Romanians will probably have a husband or baby back at home - they will also be devoutly Catholic and only return home for a huge celebration of religious holidays ie: Easter, Christmas.  
    • The Polish, Latvian, Bulgarian and  Russian girls are more of a mixed bunch.  They will probably have boyfriends who are living in the UK, that they met here. 
    • 3 girls will be Asian.  They will probably be dating an English man - there is something about 'yellow fever' which will grip a man and make him an incredibly enamoured boyfriend, many Asian girls will get spoilt rotten by their boyfriends, lucky things!
    • 5 girls will be from Brazil, and will be single or casually dating either a fellow Latino they met here on one of their many nights out.  Brazilians like to party!!
    • There will be two Australian girls, who are single and ready to mingle, if they get a chance in-between jetting off on weekend breaks all over Europe.
    • There will be 2 girls from the Caribbean, they will have some funny stories about the dodgy guys they have dated back home but will generally be wary of spreading the love around too much.
    • There will be 2 girls from Africa, they will be single but are waiting for someone special...
    • As will the single Indian girl. Stripclubs never seem to have more than one Indian girl, I guess they don't see it as a viable career choice...
    • There will be 5 English girls who are dating muscly men - a security doorman or a boxer. 
    • There will be 3 English girls who have adorable kids at home.
    • There will be 5 English girls who have really messed up and twisted relationships with psychotic guys, and they will spend half the night screaming down the phone at the good for nothing, who they suspect is seeing another girl behind their back.  Think TOWIE.
    • There will be 3 girls, of any nationality, who are obsessed with footballers.
    • Of the Eastern Europeans, 10 of the 40 will not have had sex for at least 3 months. 
    • In fact, out of the 70 girls, I'd say 25 would not have had sex for at least 3 months.  I frequently meet dancers who have not had sex for a year or more....
    • Oh, and there will be 2 lesbians.  Usually with a butch girl waiting at home, as a lapdancer is quite femme, dontcha think?

    So there you have it - observed, as if I was David Attenborough himself in a G-string, the dating habits and mating rituals of the lesser spotted lapus dancerus as observed in an intense and lengthy study in their natural habitat.