He looked kindly and sweet when I saw him at the bar. A little man in a suit, with a round face and fluffy balding hair - a cuddly Donald Trump. He offered to buy me a gin and tonic, and as I sat on the bar stool he pulled his closer, so that our knees were touching.
"I'm Swiss," he replied in answer to my question, grabbing my hand in his own chubby fingers.
"We should go drink these somewhere else... somewhere more private."
He nodded like a keen St. Bernard doggie, and hurried with a waddling gait to the booth. With his fluffy hair and careful placing of fat paws on the ground, I wouldn't have been surprised if he had been an Alpine rescue dog with a barrel of whisky round his neck. My hustling heart soared - after a bad night this man was definitely going to book me in for a VIP - there was only just over an hour left and my money wrap lay limp and thin even after six hours hustling.
with thanks to the State Library of New South Wales at Flickr
We sat down and discussed spending the rest of the night together - stripclub terminology for 'pay me till the club closes, then it's Sayonara sweetheart'. But as his fingers crept up my thigh like fat caterpillars he insisted that he just wanted a dance to start.
"Fine, let's do that then," I agreed grudgingly, figuring that I could at least get the horny little bugger for a multiple hit of £60, £100, even if a full hour was out of the question.
I manoeuvred around him carefully, being careful of his hands. They were slipping and sliding everywhere - stroking the edge of my thigh, trying to crawl towards my knickers, quivering inches from my bottom as I shook and span it around.
"No touching - naughty." I giggled playfully. Not my rules, it's the law - and they are strictly enforcing it in London at the moment what with a vice and regulations round-up in advance of the Olympics.
"No touching!" Once again, more insistent this time, and I backed away to the opposite end of the booth so that he would get the idea.
"Yes, sorry, so sorry." He looked at me pleadingly, his eyes large in the folds of his puffy face. He place his hands back at his sides.
I moved closer.
Looking straight at him, watching where his fingers were about to move. But he didn't move an iota, they barely twitched.
Feeling confident now, I asked winkingly if he wanted another.
He nodded. Of course.
I moved closer, almost on top of him now, my hips snaking from side to side, my hands rubbing my neck, hair tossed to the beat of the sultry house music. I closed my eyes - I could almost be on a beach in Ibiza, on a sunlit terrace, dancing in my own little world, totally alone.
Till a long soggy feeling erupted over my bottom.
Opening my eyes, and spinning around quicksharp, I almost hurled.
My little Swiss man was licking my bottom, with a pink outstretched tongue like an overexcited Spaniel's penis. Raspberry pink, wet, throbbing and refusing to go back inside where it belongs. Leaving trails of slobber all over my beautiful, toned, tanned, moisturised and perfumed derrière.
He looked up sheepishly like a little kid who has been caught licking the icing off a chocolate gateaux, and I couldn't find it in my heart to berate the sleazebag. Even if it did mean I would have to disinfect the area later.
Who realised that a country famed for it's neutrality could hold such perverts?