One of the most memorable characters I encounter have to be the bouncers at stripclubs. Sure, you expect dancers at stripclubs, and even waitresses at stripclubs, but the first person anyone meets as they walk up to the big doors with their silly little roped off area, gaudy neon sign and signposted promises of illicit girly fun inside is a big, huge, burly hunk of masculinity. The Stripclub Bouncer.
Are these guys gentle giants, or are they steroid filled bullies?
Do they hold a grudge against men or a complex against women?
Are they nice to anyone? Ever?
The stripclub bouncer is an easy stereotype to spot. They are usually very big - either very tall, very wide, or both. They are usually dressed in black suits with some sort of tie, or have a thick long black overcoat and leather gloves in the winter. They are the equivalent of a funeral parlour crossed with WWF.
They always come in pairs. Bouncers approach their job straight out of the testament - like the doorkeepers for Noah's ark, they go anywhere two-by-two. This can often be quite comical, if they have a little and large pairing. It can also be really scary, if they are both equally matched, and tower over you.
Bouncers at any establishment are usually jobsworth's, and a strip club is no exception to the rule. Do they know you? Do they even like the look of you? Are you acting silly, or drunk, or even breathing whilst waiting at their hallowed door? If the answer to the above is no, no, no, then you may have a fight getting in. Obviously if you fight, or argue, then you are definitely not getting in. It's best to introduce yourself calmly and rationally, and slip them a £20.
For strippers, bouncers come in two groups - nice-ish and downright unfair. As they are a form of semi-management at most clubs, they have the power to tell you off, kick your customer out, or slap you with a fine. Have you ever been to a lapdancing venue and got into an argument with a dancer? Did she plead, cajole then shout and finally storm off to get help? Bet that took a good 5 minutes, didn't it? The thing is, dancer's don't want to get the bouncers most of the time, as it just causes more trouble. If a bouncer views it as a waste of his time, or a minor misdemeanour, then he will tell the dancer off in private afterwards. Everytime a lapdancer fetches a bouncer, he remembers. Before you know it, a lapdancer has a reputation for f**king things up. (Naturally, some girls do deserve this reputation)
Still, if a dancer prances over to a bouncer without a problem they are usually say hello back. I can always find a few bouncers in any club I work in who are friendly, fun, and like a chat. However, bouncers in groups behave in the same way as all men in groups do - they make jokes at others expense. A girl has a cute arse? Joke about anal then.
Customer too drunk to see? Joke about being ripped off then.
They kicked someone out? Big bragging story.
What about strip club bouncers and the customers? Well now thats a mixed bag. I've got so many stories of naughty customers and bouncers spoiling for a fight that I will have to save some for a future post. Needless to say, if a bouncer gets called over to you, or finds you doing something you shouldn't - like drugs, grabbing a girl, or refusing to pay - then you need to shut up and listen. Talking your way out of this one, especially when you have been drinking and the Russian blonde has given you a hard on and taken all your cash and your card is behind the bar, well, talking your way out of this one is going to be difficult. He will probably think your a rude twat, call his mates over and drag you out of the club. That's right, I said drag. Security staff are specially trained to grab guys in a headlock, by the shoulders (I've seen by the ear once), and forcibly move the wriggling, kicking, squirming body out of the club. I've been on the sidelines a few times, and it's not pretty. Very funny though to the bored strippers looking on.
There is still a lot I'd like to say in this post, but I want to see what comments I get on it. I never knew that stripclub bouncers could be such an exhaustive topic! But bless, bouncers at a strip club may be big, scary and menacing figures wielding power over all who enter, but, at the end of the day, they keep me safe. When I've got my knickers round my ankles and suddenly feel vulnerable, I'm grateful that I can call over a 6"4 hero to save my ass. Bouncers at my club, I salute you!