Last night was the last Thursday before Christmas, and you know what .... it was suspiciously quiet.
I get the feeling that anybody with money has fled to the country, the office parties are all over, and blokes are more concerned with panic buying last-minute presents than lapdances.
I did alright considering that an old friend randomly popped by, who didn't know that I worked there - they knew I am a dancer though, but while it wasn't totally awkward, it did throw me off a little bit. Took a while to get my stripper swagger back, if I'm honest...
I'm going to work tonight, in the hope that a Christmas miracle happens, and that I get a nice big fat paycheck just in time for the annual Christmas Eve pub crawl. If I find any time, I'll pull the odd shift over the holidays, but to be honest, I don't know where I will find the time.....
Tonight all the stars aligned and I got squillions of VIPs in half hourly increments and then hustled myself up a VIP room full of beautiful people and galloons of booze.
Both the customers I was dancing for and my fellow dancers were seriously off the scale of hotness. Tall 6"foot men from Viking country. Check. Super sexy teeny weeny swishy haired curvy sexkittens from Romania, Bulgaria and any country in eastern Europe ending in -ia.....Check.
Free flowing super chilled booze on tap. Check.
Good hair day, no bloat, fresh clean underwear. Check.
Great times with no leching, touching or aggro. Check.
Made oodles of money very, very easily. CHECK.
i just wanted to show off a little folks. Its the last few nights in the run-up to Christmas, and I had the night of my dreams..... Charlie Sheen would be proud...
Any stripper worth her salt loves dressing up and the holiday season is, for me, the really exciting time when I dust off my furs and ermine and dress as Santa's little helper for as many shifts in December as I can manage.
You might think that with the current financial climate that a lapdancer should play it safe and stick to black lingerie and the LBD.... WRONG!
Guy's love a woman in a decent santa outfit. They are all out on their annual Christmas do. These are guys who visit stripclubs but once or twice a year, they have been drinking all day and are operating in a pack mentality. Not a violent, sarcastic pack of men trying to get one up on each other, like you get with Saturday nights stag do's. No, these guys are going to be loud, drunk, but reasonably well behaved - well their boss is with them, overseeing the proceedings after all! So wearing something in red or white that the guys can chat and joke over is a great conversation starter and dance getter.
A stripping christmas outfit falls in two camps - the Christmas themed teeny weeny bikini versus the fun cover-up dress. Here's a picture of a girl in Hooter's - she has found a hotpants and bikini set and stuck tinsel on it. That still making an effort, although a real stripper wouldn't be likely to wear something so scratchy that you can't pull on or off easily.
Thanks to Stinkie Pinkie at Flickr.
Now I've got a fairly good body which is toned and trim most of the time, but I do tend to over-indulge in the winter months. I have a few similar versions of this outfit - red and white bikini's with a fur trim, that sort of thing. They look good with lashings of fake tan and body glitter and lots of spangly diamante jewellery.
However, if I've had too many mince pies or want to look less slutty, more glam - say for a midweek crowd, then it's good to have a proper cover-up dress. Of course I am a lapdancer so my version of a cover up would look something like this;
thanks to photognome at Flickr!
This is a cover up as....
The stripy stockings mean that I could not shave my legs that day.
The big belt would hide any mince pie bloating
The little cape would keep me warm and snuggly - perfect in a nippy stripclub, or as a comfort blanket if I'm working through stripper-flu.
I'd only need to fake tan my top half. 5 minutes till I'm on stage? no problemo...
So to summarise - get your lapdancer's body into a santa's outfit this week! It may be gloomy weather and economic prospects, but that's why there are beautiful girls on this world ready to take their clothes off and spread their festive cheer!
P.S. Unless, like me, your co-workers are all wearing bloody Santa's little helper outfits. In which case wear the black lingerie - you will stand out more!
A stripper song is a piece of music which is either instantly associated with the art of lap-dancing, or has so many booty shaking references in it's lyrics/music video/ title - or a combination of all three. They may not be the sexiest songs, sound wise, but they will make you take your clothes off.
The classic stripper song is naturally this brass-filled joy from David Rose in 1957;
However, in reality, this is often played at the end of the night as the final song, or perhaps as the backing music when a promotional offer is on. I've given out branded items, such as DVD's or baseball caps, in the past, to scores of lucky guys. If the stripclub offers a stag party stage show, this is the tune that they'll play as the poor man gets dragged up on stage to be whipped, pummelled and humiliated by several blood-thirty strippers. It's the official Spearmint Rhino song for promos and stag parties, but the next song is famed for being Peter Stringfellow's free dance tune of choice;
If you venture into Stringfellows around midnight and this baby from Motley Crue starts up, grab a seat quick - it's topless teaser time! The video is filled with gyrating exotic dancers on poles, the lyrics and title "Girls, Girls, Girls", are pretty self explanatory, and so simple that even the most drunken hillbilly can sing along to them. It's also a short song, at barely over four minutes, which is great news for a strip club, as the average stripclub DJ will try and keep songs around the three and a half to four (ish) mark if possible. Thats why that twenty pound went so quickly guys!!!
This song took over stripclubs all over the world when it came out a few years back. "My girlfriend is a dancer - Titty dancer" by Dan Diamond - a punchy house music tune with a beat to grind to. It was the exotic dancers Marmite - you either loved it or hated it. The lyrics rang true - we lie, we go on stage like a porn star, we count our money when we are on the phone - but giving head frequently? We don't do that in VIP! Or do we.....?
If you hear this song come on whilst you are in a gentleman's club, take a look at the surrounding lapdancer's faces - some will be pulling faces, suddenly coming over like affronted feminists. Others will be laughing and singing along like demented teenagers, banging their heels in time to the beat and jiggling their own big titties to the chorus line of "she's a dancer...a titty dancer".
A more heartfelt song of yearning for a lapdancer is T-Pain's "I'm in love with a stripper". If the girls are having a bad night, this is a great song to hear, as it makes a woman feel really good - it goes on about how beautiful she is, her fantastic 'popping and locking skillz' (that's dancing skills sweethearts if you are from this side of the pond), and of course, it's a LOVE SONG FOR A STRIPPER. Thereby proving that love is possible even for women who display themselves for money in the more vanilla side of the sex industry.
To finish off - geddit!?! "You can leave your hat on" by Joe Cocker. Actually, this would make a great song to start a routine too, as everyone finds it funny after it was used in that miners movie, "The Full Monty".
Well that's my list of stripper themed songs to give a lapdance too. As regular readers will have noted, I've attempted to put the accompanying you tube videos on this post. This is my first try in two years of writing this blog, so if they don't work, please tell me and I'm deeply sorry. If you really want to hear them, start frequenting stripclubs more often - they'll get played, I promise. Another post is planned for great songs to strip too - I've got a few dancing favourites, what are yours?
Check out this post for great songs to give a lapdance or stageshow to....
I'm fuming. I'm lying in bed, snotty rags and mugs of lemsip surrounding me like a germy entourage. I've watched everything on BBC iPlayer, and all my videos. My nose is so sore it looks like I have a ten gram a day coke habit, and I swear that the rising of my chest is making my tits sag a little bit more with every raspy cough.
I just got over a cold. I felt like shit last week, as twitter followers may remember. So I recuperate, then sashay back into the club three days later, ready to take it slow and push for VIPs rather than bone shaking booty dances. And whaddya know? It was a shit Tuesday night, and I caught another fricking cold. Again! I coughed for the last hour, did the last stage show as a feverish chill ran through my body as it took off the scant nylon layers to stand butt naked in a draughty stripclub.
This cold is different from last weeks. I'm running a temperature and coughing a lot, like some sick demon is tickling my throat. I've also got achey muscles, especially in my lower back, which is making my bum hurt. last week was a sniffle - this one is a big nasty ickiness.
I'm fuming with the bad timing of it all. Here I am, in the run-up to Christmas, a time when I should be hustling my butt off, and all the other girls are off making money while the proverbial sun shines and I'm tucked up in bed like a fleabag broad.
Strippers catch lots of colds. Its the all-nighters we pull, the daily drinks, the proximity to hundreds of different guys every week, and the cavernous basement clubs which are freezing until the crowds fill it up. Oh yeah, and we get naked and filthy unwashed hands try and touch us - a lot. Guys and girls are always lunging in to slap my butt, brush against my thighs, play with my hair, and stroke my face. I really don't care that customers get a little excited, I just wish that it could be handled without spreading germs all over me. It would have been nice to work the fortnight before Christmas and create a little nest egg.
So I've been pouring over the recent book by `Jennifer Hayashi Dann & Sandrine Levique'
on the UK lapdancing industry- and its ties with the sex industry in the UK in general.
As I mentioned a few posts ago, I was worried it may be harrowing stuff which put me off my profession, and you know what? It is.
Score of women have rolled up to give their two bob bit and I empathise with so many elements of their problems its scary. I'll be posting a review later this week, but so far? It's scarily food for thought....
I already feel worried enough turning up to strip - what if a manager or co-worker found out I had this blog? Would I be seen as a bad influence - a whistle blower? Would I get sacked? I don't know if I am prepared to lose my job for a few scribbled down words. As regular readers will know, I don't shit-stir, I don't name-drop, I don't moan in explicit detail about my nights at work, the guys I get naked for, the girls I do it for or the managers I tip out each night. I just generally try and use this as an outlet for my little pieces on the stripclub industry - hell, the sex industry in London in general - I am classed as a sex worker by the government after their ruling a few year back now - anyway, I just like to write on what it is like to be a stripper in London and my thoughts on London's sex industry.
Still, the book Stripped: The Bare Reality of Lap Dancing
paints such a negative picture of exotic dancers and the attitudes that they are faced with that I am glad I have this blog, because in its own miniscule way I can be a voice for all the lap dancers out there who enjoy their jobs, who work in nice clubs, and feel that they are doing a service to mankind itself.
There, I've said it. I'm a girl providing a service of full-blown, 5 star entertainment. I'm a stripper. I get your rocks off. For money. So there.
Just please, if you are my boss, don't figure out who I am and sack me. I'm not a dancer with a malicious bone in her body - my bones are rather flexible, and tanned and trim at that. I'm just a girl, who like anybody else, has days where she loves her profession pathway, days where she hates her job, but please don't get scared by my stripper diary.
It's as harmless as a single lapdance..... you can always have one... no1 will notice....
Today I'm quiet excited. I am off to visit a friend who promises me to use his geekerific magic and turn the ugly duckling of my blog, which I brutally disfigured a few days ago, into a fantastic swan. It will be easier to read, easier to get around, more interactive and maybe even have a few photographs in there. Lucky readers...
I've been doing some research into lap dancing blogs to see how other dancers do theres and found an interesting doppelganger - in blog format. A ex-dancer in Australia must be as ditzy as me as she has produced a blog in the identical colour combo's and two bar look as mine - all black and pink. I thank her for the compliment, and you can see it here
More lapdancing blogs like mine are springing up over the web all the time, and some of them make a great read. Favourite lap dancing blogs of mine can be found on me links page of stripper blogs worth a tip which is basically a list of blogs from exotic dancers, stripclub industry blogs, escort blogs and lapdancing blogs, full of stripclub musings, and stripper thoughts. I also love Peter Tips blog, who shows the lap dancing industry from a punters view.
For balance whilst I'm at it, here is a blog by a strip club researcher who is against lap dancing venues on her street. Fair point I guess, unless they are in the town or city center, which are usually full of nightlife venues anyway. To me, a nightlife venue is a nightlife venue, whether it does karaoke or go-go girls and boys. (There is actually a stripaoke night in the US run by one of my fave exotic dancing bloggers Rocket, see here)
Funny entries spring up on pole dancing especially - this article compares pole dancing to blogging, there are lots of websites on poledancing and poledancers, that sell instructional pole dancing videos and give pole dancing tips.
I'm always surfing the web to find lap dancing writings, or funny lap dancer stories - whether its an evening at a stripclub or the stripping industry in general. My favourite is Tits and Sass, which is written by sex workers. It's beautiful, funny and when I see my computing genius pal later, I'll be using their site as inspiration!
I'm really, really shite at computers - in fact, painfully so.
So I apologise for this NEW LOOK BLOG - I was messing around after a few reader comments to brighten up the damn thing, and I've royally fucked it. I dunno how to get it back to how it was before, which is a big big shame.
I will try and get it back to its usual self asap, or I will sod it and get someone who knows what they are doing to make it look pretty again.
Its kinda like when you go to the hairdressers and are not happy with the cut they give you, so you go home and try and try it yourself - except that it ends up TEN TIMES WORSE!!!
"So what do you do for your day job?"
One of the most common questions I get asked - or a variation thereof;
"What are you going to do in the future? After this? When you can't do this anymore?"
"What field do you work in when you are not here?"
"You can't be a stripper forever you know..."
I'm sorry. You ask me that question, night after night, and quite frankly, I find it insulting. Lap dancing is proper employment. I have to pull an 8 hour shift - its a full 9 to 5, give or take the clocking in times, and I am potentially rostered to work every day of the week in many of the big London clubs - thats right, Monday thru to Sunday, ad infinitum. What other industries have the crazy working hours that a stripper can? Frontline frickin services matey.... Lap dancing venues are often open seven days a week, from lunchtime till the early hours of the morning - Secrets is open till an eyeball bursting 6am! If you are ever desperate for naked women in the middle of the night, they have venues all over goddamn town (see here)
I got asked this today, when I was soooo tired - and thats just from doing a weeks work at my strip club. I've worked every night apart from Sunday and the Strike action yesterday till the sun came up. yeah, so some nights I've been home by 4am, but mostly I have shut my eyes as the birds were crowing and the traffic was building.
I've been reading that book that was published recently by Danns and Sandrine, and its full of women complaining that their hard work and long hours are not recognised as valid by society, even though 'raunch culture' is encouraged (you can see a really interesting review of it here by a feminist book reviewer)
Well look everybody. Whilst I might say to your face that I am studying/caring/being a PA - that being an exotic dancer is just a stepping stone to new and bigger things - I'm telling you now, I'm in this for the long term. As I've said a million times boefore, I like my job, I like lapdancing, I think it is a great profession if you approach it with the right attitude. No job is perfect, and neither are there perfect customers. Besides, with the economy as it is, the job market sluggish, and youth and graduate un-employment rising, why not capitalise on my strong sales skills and good looks by providing a second to none service?
Besides, if my contemporaries can't get a job, wouldn't it be greedy of me to take up two or more???
