Back to pulling down my knickers and typing up words

After the damb squib which were the Olympics - business was slow, slow, slow - my skin itched with the frustrating affair which saw hundreds of thousands of people with bulging wallets visit London for the sporting event of the year, but failed to walk through the doors of the West End.
It was painful.
I'd planned my whole year around the Olympics.  I had big BIG plans.  Visit a few festivals and enjoy the beginning of summer, then earn pots of Olympic gold, save up some for my tax bill and still have pennies for holidaying in September.
I was going to use the unusual situation to interview lots of other dancers, bar staff and perhaps even some club operators - how they had coped with the busy influx, the funny stories, the lessons they had learnt.  How it all differed from the usual frustration of a long, hot and slow summer period, where any dancer worth her salt goes away or works on the coast or abroad.  Perhaps put together some sort of e-book, pamphlet affair, so that we could stand proudly on the rooftops and shout

"Look! LOOK! Look what us working girls did for London, did for the image of Britain - how we kept all those people who would otherwise be sitting around in hotel rooms happy and jubilant and celebrating all the beauty that this great city has to offer, deep into the night.  Night after night.  WE are superhuman! WE deserve a medal."

But nah.  The fun and fizz and fanfare exploded in a damp squib.  Everyone partied somewhere else, or didn't party at all.  Blame it on the scaremongering of London transport, blame it on the press's empty fears of a deluge of sex-workers invading our streets, blame it on pay-per-view TV.

So I've been really, really quiet.  Stopped writing, either here or on my stripping website http://www.londonlapdancer.com/ 

I'm super sorry to everyone who sent me emails with fantastic comments, guest-posting submissions, or requests for interviews.  

Like the tourists, I couldn't be asked and went on holiday instead.  A whole month of it.  HA! Damn fine time I had too, with no writing, no pulling off my panties and NO SHAVING!!!!

But I'm back, plucked, waxed, tanned - and a little bit fatter.  Ready to rock the pole by night and keyboard by day.

Thanks for sticking around folks......

xxx Sassy

http://www.londonlapdancer.com/

An English Strippers guide to Lapdancing Clubs to visit during the 2012 London Olympics

After a day of watching gorgeous honed athletic bodies in lycra why quit?

London is hosting the Olympics this year and has sold 10.8 million tickets to the various Olympic and Paralympic events.

That's a lot of people in London who want to be entertained!

Luckily the city of London has a rich seam of entertainment for tourists to mine, including lap dancing clubs.  The first stripclub in London was the Windmill which opened in the 1930s, although nude girls had to stand completely still in tableau form.  Luckily attitudes have changed since then and gentleman's establishments are now fully nude, with alcohol, and are available to the discerning male or female viewer.  Many also offer food, live stage shows, and the option to buy dance tokens discreetly using your credit or debit cards.  The average price of a dance is £20 per song, the price of VIP varies from £100 to £500 an hour, and some clubs are free, others charge an entrance of up to £20 per person.  If you click on my links below you will be directed to the club's own site and many offer the option to print discount entry vouchers.

If you are visting London for the Olympics I would definitely recommend putting a stripclub visit on your Olympic itinerary.  Here are my top 10 stripclubs to visit during the Olympics 2012.

West End

In the heart of bustling Leicester Square, famous for film premieres and casinos, is the relatively new-comer, Platinum Lace.  Run by the former boss of Spearmint Rhino, it has quickly established a reputation for being able to host glitzy parties and has won serveral industry awards.  It is open from 3pm till 6am every day of the week, (although it shuts at 3am on Sundays)  It has several stages, more women than you could shake a stick at and a separate VIP lounge for large parties.  They will probably be showing some Olympic athletic sport on a big screen for special heats.

The most famous gentleman's club in the West End is undoubtedly Stringfellows - it is run by Peter Stringfellow who has become a celebrity in his own right and is famous for having both a high calibre of girls and clientèle.  It is based in historic Covent Garden, is open till 4:30, although rumour has it that they have an extended licence till 6am for the Olympic summer season, and has a top notch restaurant serving an excellent steak.  However, it is a classy and sophsticated club based on VIP dance packages so smart dress and money to burn are essential.

The original striptease establishment, the Windmill, is based in Soho.  It has a fantastic double height pole on its stage and is open till 5:30am.

Up the road is the infamous Spearmint Rhino, a global chain of decadence which has outposts in the USA and Australia.  It is packed to the rafters with hot women and throws some excellent shows on the weekend, with fire and burlesque dancers adding some excitement.  It seems to be the club which keeps on giving, as it has special drink offers throughout the week and long opening hours from midday till 4am, although on the weekends it opens at 6pm.

With several branches across London, Secrets is definitely good to know.  They even have a branch opposite Euston, so if your train at Euston or nearby Kings Cross/St Pancras is delayed, you know where to wait.  I wager that the transport and traffic in London will not be running 100% smoothly during the London Olympics, so a few dances in the company of beautiful women from all over the world should help ease the annoyance.

East London

The Olympic village itself is based in Stratford, East London, and there are plenty of establishments to choose from.

The biggest is For Your Eyes Only, which has a whopping 40 VIP and champagne lounges, so no matter how many people come to visit, there will always be room for you.  Like Secrets, they are based in the city - London's equivalent of Wall Street.

Can't be bothered to go far? Majingo's - no, I don't know what the name stands for either - is based in the Dockland's, so is a mere mile as the crow flies from the stadium itself.  It's open from 6 till 3.

For those that prefer the traditional route, the East End has a long and fine tradition of 'pound in the pint glass' strip pubs - YES PUBS!  Try Brown's or The Griffin Here you simply sit down on a bar stool, nursing some brown ale in nice cold glass, and watch the excellent stage shows, before tipping the dancer a minimum of a pound afterwards (more if she's rocking the pole).  The dancer's will circulate around the club with a pint glass collecting coins and notes after their stage set, and may also offer private dances for the customary score (£20).  Also in Shoreditch is The White Horse which is open till midnight, 1am on weekends, and has free entry. All three strip pubs mentioned also have big TV screens so you won't miss any sporting highlights.....

Last but certainly not least, Metropolis has three floors with some really unique dance areas including a beach, a car wash and a sultan's harem.  I'm not kidding.

I hope that you find my guide to lapdancing bars and stripclubs to visit during the Olympics useful, although remember I am more used to being a lapdancer than a punter! I'd really love to hear from anybody who visits/works at these clubs whilst visiting London for the Olympics, so please leave your thoughts in the comments box.  Let's get it going for gold!

This article was originally published on my new site http://www.londonlapdancer.com/

Please visit for even more resources on lapdancing in London and all over the world!

Review of 'Stripped; A Life of Strip & Tease in Clubland' by Samantha Bailey

A memoir that runs the full life cycle of lapdancing.  Samantha Bailey began as a champagne hostess and lapdancer in Denmark when she was only a sweetfaced 17 year old from Essex, then returned to the UK and worked in a succession of lapdancing clubs, first as a stripper, then as a house mum.  Unfortunately for the gossip mongerers she doesn't explicitly name any clubs other than Stringfellows, but I reckon I can recognise a few of the places - and people - she mentions.  Keeping my lips sealed for now tho! 

Seeing as we both write about the same territory, I was suprised to see that the experiences which stick out in my mind are completely different.  She talks about money and gangsters on almost every page, which could make some readers lose sympathy for the protagonist.  You see her naievity in the industry gradually dissapate, and replaced by a steely determination to get on top of her game.  However, over the ten year period, the game is changing - more clubs are opening up, stealing business, and a new breed of stripper, who will do anything for money, from dirty dancing to prostitution, emerge.  At first Sam combats this ill tide by switching clubs, but she feels that she cannot cope as the guareenteed money begins to dry up.  And Jesus, did this girl earn some money!!! She had a flotilla of regulars, guareenteeing several grand a week, and commission was so low in the beginning that it was practically non-existent.  Eventually though, the commission and house fees begin to increase, as the clubs realised that they can make money off the dancers as well as the customers.  She thinks she has a fresh start when she becomes a housemother, but the club, codenamed 'Liberty Steel', is taken over by a bunch of Americans who sound like a mealy-mouthed, hard-nosed contingent who make her life difficult.  She eventually quits in glorious fashion, presumably to go off and write this tell-all memoir - Stripped: A Life of Strip and Tease in Clubland

My favourite chapter explored the different types of customers; 'The Virgin', 'Mr Trapped', and hilariously 'The Homosocials'.  All in all, she divided the guys into six different personality and spending types, (see my stripclub stereotypes series for more in a similar vein), and I felt that she summed up the men really well. The Homosocials are described as men who come into impress other men ie: their clients. Or as she brilliantly puts it "It's a bizarre variation of the 'see how big my dick is' contest that men play all the time."

Stripped: A Life of Strip and Tease in Clubland
has only just come out last week, and it's doing really well in the charts, so I encourage you to click on the link and grab a copy before they all sell out.  Perfect holiday reading for when summer arrives!

'The Intimate Adventures of a London Call Girl' by Belle de Jour aka Dr. Brooke Magnanti.

Without a doubt Belle is a fantastic diarist, and one of my blogging hero's. In many ways she inspired me to start this blog as "Sassy Lapdancer", but not as a carrion call to 'look at me'! I'm inspired by her emotional honesty, and it really comes across in The Intimate Adventures of a London Call Girl
, which was her first book, evolving from her popular and award-winning blog.


As well as delving into explicit and intimate detail about her client's sexual peccadilloes, and the processes involved in getting ready for and meeting clients as a call girl in London, she writes about her love and home life. You feel sympathy for this woman, who often feels alone and alienated in the bustling strangeness of big city London. That she commits such intimate acts - perversions, blowjobs, girlfriend experiences, plus a whole host of sexual tricks, played out in various hotel rooms - but cannot find peace and love in her normal life - is a fantastic tale.

It's chock-full of very funny writing, done in a tongue-in-cheek way. It's a gripping series of anecdotes, which can make the narrative jump about a bit, but doesn't take from it's charm. She is extremely frank when describing sex and fantasies, but you are just as likely to laugh as to blush.

It's a great starter book for any erotic confessional collection.



The second book in the series The Further Adventures of a London Call Girl
continues in the same 'year in the life of...' vein, and see's a few of her boyfriends from the first book pop back into her life. I must admit that for a girl who deals with sex everyday, she also has a pretty raunchy stable of boyfriends, but then I guess I do too, if you condensed a whole years worth of sex into a novel.


There was also a FANTASTIC and highly addictive TV series and you can grab the DVD's here Secret Diary of a Call Girl - Series 1-4 Complete [DVD]
If you want a great box set to while away a rainy weekend (happens a lot in London), I'd get one sent over straightaway. It's like all the sexy bits of Sex & the City set in London, and has fabulous fashion to boot!

Are you surrounded by women asking questions?

January is a slow month for most hospitality and entertainment operations, and the lapdancer's world is no exception.  In fact, it's a worse exception because we are all self-employed and have to pay out a nightly house fee which can run up to a hundred pounds a night.  It's only 5 dances, but when the club is empty, it's a hard struggle, and even the top-earning lapdancers may not make their money back every night.

So you have a bunch of bored, desperate girls, watching the clock and the door.  The moment a guy walks in, a ripple of excitement will run amongst the blonde and brunette manes, the hair will be flicked, tits rearranged, lips pouted - all in a matter of nanoseconds - before a veritable stampede of women will run towards the hapless punter, and surround him.  It's like he has a clipboard announcing who got the lead role.  Five, Six - even TEN WOMEN - around him in a circle, pushing and shoving each other for the best position, shouting out questions in a bid to initiate conversation and grab his attention.

Brunettes 3 & 7, blondes 2,4, twins 5&6 : "hello."
Brunette 1; "Hello, Where have you been tonight?"
Punter; "Wow, hello girls.  There's a lot of you tonight.
Brunette 7: "Yes hello.  Is this your first time here?"
Blonde 2: " Yeah, I don't recognise you."
Twins 5&6: " I don't know, you look familiar..."
Punter: "I've been here before, yeah, but not for a while...maybe a year ago?"
Twins 5&6: Did you play with us?
Punter: "No."
Twins 5& 6: "Did you have a good time?"
Punter: "yes, erm, I can't remember..."
Twins 5&6, Blondes 2&4: "You were drunk!"

note that the twins are getting the upper hand, the brunettes who led the first auditory charge are now lagging behind, so the blondes and brunettes are going to get anxious.


Brunette 1: "Where you from?"
Blonde 2: "You look Italian."
Brunette 3: "You look European."
Blonde 4: " Are you from America?"
Twins 5&6: "You sound English."
Blonde 4: "Have you ever been to America?"
Punter: "Er, yeah...I'm English, yes...I've been to America."
Blonde 4: "I've been to America."
Brunettes 3&7: "I've been to America.  We went together, to Miami - have you been? Whats your name?"
Punter: "I'm John."
All girls:  "Hi John!"
Brunette 1: "I'm Loretta.
Blonde 2: "I'm Tatiana. I'm from Romania." (brushes his sleeve)
Brunette 3: I'm Elena. Bulgaria.
Blonde 4: I'm Lena.
Brunette 7: I'm Tinelina. I'm from Lithuania.

As the make-up of English stripclubs is often 70% eastern European girls, this kinda scenario is not only likely  - its the norm.


Twins 5 & 6: Catherine and Caroline, we're twins.  From France.
Punter: Really? What part of France?
Twins 5 & 6: Well, French Algiers, but we lived a lot in France. On the coast.

Most dancers lies are about their age and where they are from.  But then lots of punters don't believe us even when we are telling the truth ("You're not really English...you can't be?" - this happens to me every single fricking night...)  So the lies even out really, and they are harmless little white lies anyway.


So, as you can see, if you venture into a gentleman's establishment this month you may feel like you are being interviewed in a David Lynch movie, but like Mulholland Drive - it's surreal, but still an enjoyable hour and a half of viewing pleasure.

Really Rosamund? The clubs that strip women of their dignity

I got told by a fellow tweeter last Thursday that there was 'a rather misinformed article compared to the one you were in in the Evening Standard the other week' (thanks @K_Pilch)

I followed her link and found a rather opinionated article on a female journalist's visit to Secret's in Covent Garden.  Read it here

I was surprised by how offensive it was.  The author, Rosamund Unwin, has written very funny and sharp article in the past that I have really enjoyed, but this wasn't clever at all, just nasty with a hint of snobbish bully about it.  She calls herself a 'self-declared strident feminist' but derides a ladies night - the first one the club had held (in that location).  I tried to look at the website to see what 'ladies night' entails but I couldn't find any information.  Nonetheless, a stripclub making an effort to be more attractive to female customers should be applauded.  In America, girls visit lapdancing bars all the time - why not here?  Besides, the lesbian scene in London has been decimated with the closure of Ghetto and Trash Palace, and is now a figure of fun in the sleazy Channel 5 documentary imaginatively titled 'The Candy Bar'.  (I've been there, it's great, and much better than channel 5 portrays it.)

She says that the dance was 'as erotic as taking out the rubbish' and complains about feeling the dancer's 'leg stubble'.  She also says that her female friend was laughing throughout in 'embarrassed hysterics'.  Poor girls - doesn't Rosamund realise that we are not all Dita von Teese, and have to try and be 'erotic' without personalised lighting, special effects, a hair and make-up team, and a chereographer?

I was really pleased to see that the majority of comments were in favour of lapdancers and thought that the piece was 'one-sided' and 'bitter'.  It's certainly very different to the Striponomics article which was based on an interview with yours truly a few months ago.  There are also lots of reader comments on my blog piece on the article

I suppose that it's the job of newspapers to explore professions such as mine from all angles, and that the Evening Standard should be lauded for presenting such different views by such different columnists.  London's sex industry is a huge heaving underground mass and it's great to see insights into the sex industry in London get some press - even if it's a bad review of a lapdancing bar.  Still, it's a shame that Rosamund Unwin complained of lapdancing bars stripping women of their dignity, when she goes on to strip the lapdancers of their dignity in her article.