Thursday, 7 July 2011

Stripper Beauty - the Real Story

It's a lapdancer's job to look beautiful, as her body, face, hair, all combine to make up her prime asset - herself.  But I know from personal experience that a girl's efforts to look Playboy perfect can take it's toll and have some super disastrous effects!  
I was reminded of this as I stood in the toilets this weekend, and helped prep a friend's extensions which were coming loose.  From afar, she is a Glamazon of a blonde, with luscious locks which cascade down her back and are artfully flicked around when she spins round the pole.  Up-close, she is going bald.  At 28.  What a waste.

My top 3 surprising beauty facts;

Stripper's have bald patches

Thick, long chestnut mane like Kelly Brooke?
Shiny, bright blonde like Pamela Anderson?
Hair artfully curled around her face, in such waves down her back, that it just makes you want to grab it and pull her in?

It's probably fake darling - a combination of hair dye (the richest browns are marginally better for you than harsh bleaching treatments which strip your hair like a hardcore XXX routine) some hair extensions to give added body and length. (Extensions are basically long mini ponytails  of 100+ hairstrands which are glued, stapled or woven onto a few strands of your own hair, close to the root.  As this is the follicle equivalent of a Cheesestring supporting an elephant, repeated use of extensions can pull on and damage the hair so much you get little bald patches.) heated devices used everyday at temperatures up to 180 degrees. They give 2nd degree burns on contact.

Luckily for you punter's, you are unlikely to ever notice this as most strippers yelp if a man tries to play with her hair, as you inevitably mess up a good hours worth of work with your big grubby man paws.

Our feet are foul

6" or 9" heels worn to walk, run, dance and climb in? Beer and champagne spilt onto our shoes? Shoes which, may I add, are made of sticky, stretchy perspex and get little condensation patches when they get too hot and sweaty?  Callouses and enough hard skin that I have to tip extra for a decent pedicure?

These are the problems my poor little tootsies have to face, so they tend to rebel and get real stinky with bits of toe jam, especially after a busy Saturday night. Yummy.

I visited a chiropodist recently who explained that the shooting pains in my calves and big toe were a result of my feet slowly becoming disfigured from the high heels.  In fact, if I wear flats, my feet are so unused to walking like a normal ape that I have to tiptoe around till my muscles warm up. That's why I now keep heels by my bed and have insoles in my trainers.  So if you do have a lapdance, please stare at my tits, not my feet.  Thanks.

Botox at 21

Every woman ponders getting botox, a nice chemical which is injected into your forehead to stop wrinkles in their tracks.  Many clubs I've worked in have a botox technician pop in once a month or so to   perform these injections on-site, usually in the changing room of the club. It's not unusual for us to then drink on the shift, pile make-up and sweat all over the injection site, or get botox too young and too often.
If it doesn't work, you get a funny looking face with little bumps on the head.  
If this happens its best to get the curling tongs out and change your hairstyle. Voila! Your artfully swept bangs now cover all signs of the botox mishap!

I'm sure that I can add to this list of beauty misdemeanours, so I'll keep a watchful eye out whilst in the changing room tonight....


Daniel said...

I have just learnt a great deal, honestly had NO idea!...

Anonymous said...

Absolutely informative though...